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Ranking All of the Dark Castle Entertainment Horror Films!

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Dark Castle Entertainment

Dark Castle Entertainment was one of the biggest providers of horror in the early 2000s. Originally conceived as a company that would only produce remakes of William Castle films (their first two films were House on Haunted Hill and Thir13en Ghosts), it went on to produce original material (beginning with 2002’s Ghost Ship). They have since moved on to non-horror films, but since Bloody Disgusting is a horror website we decided to rank all 13 of their horror films! None of Dark Castle’s films (save for one or two) could actually be considered “good,” so it’s a lot like picking the least rotten apple out of the batch, but at the very least their films provide some solid B-movie entertainment. Which one is your favorite?

13. The Apparition (2012)

Woof. The Apparition earns its 3% Rotten Tomatoes score. It consists primarily of watching Ashley Greene and Sebastian Stan walk around their house…doing nothing. At a scant 82 minutes, the film is still far too long (and boring). It feels like a short film that was stretched out to feature length. The mostly talented cast of Greene, Stan, Tom Felton and Julliana Guill are completely wasted. The Apparition is a very bad movie. Don’t watch it.

Related Article: Pet Peeve: When A Poster Spoils the Last Shot of the Movie

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12. The Factory (2013)

A serial killer is kidnapping women in Buffalo and the cop on his trail (John Cusack) is brought into the mix when his daughter (Mae Whitman) is among the kidnapped. The Factory actually has a pretty cool premise, but is marred by a laughable script, a Nicolas Cage-like performance from John Cusack and a twist you can see coming a mile away. The fact that it was filmed in 2008 but released in 2013 should tell you all you need to know about this turkey.

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11. Whiteout (2009)

The problem with Whiteout, the Kate Beckinsale film adapted from the graphic novel of the same name, is that it’s boring. Beckinsale is charming as ever but even she can’t save this film from being a slog. Even though it is not a creature feature (it’s actually a slasher), comparisons to John Carpenter’s The Thing are inevitable. Whiteout pales in comparison to Carpenter’s masterpiece. It’s slow, dumb and poorly shot (once the snow comes in you can never tell who’s who). Skip it.

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10. Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Return to House on Haunted Hill was Dark Castle Entertainment’s attempt to launch a franchise. It’s an admirable failure, but the movie is pretty bad. The one thing it has going for it is its creative and gory kills. You’ve got face removals, dismemberments, head smashings and immolations. Too bad everything else about the film feels so cheap. Amanda Righetti (the Friday the 13th remake) fills in for Ali Larter as Ariel Wolfe (Larter’s character is murdered off-screen) and must return to Hill House to locate a demonic idol (a MacGuffin if there ever was one) that is revealed to have caused all of the evil occurrences in the house. Return to House on Haunted Hill has it all: bad acting, bad directing, bad script (the post-credits stinger rips off the ending of Jumanji…I wish I were kidding)and bad CGI. Just watch the first one.

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9. The Reaping (2007)

Believe it or not, Stephen Hopkins’s (A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream ChildThe Reaping isn’t terrible. It’s just painfully generic and, at the end of the day, extremely forgettable. Hilary Swank stars as a former Christian missionary who has devoted her life to disproving religious phenomena. When she travels to Louisiana after reports of Biblical plagues are made, she quickly learns that there is some truth to the town’s claims. Once again, an interesting premise is bungled by a predictable and cheesy script, though the plague set pieces are nifty. The twist ending and cliffhanger are ridiculous, but at least the movie is entertaining.

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8. Ghost Ship (2002)

Ghost Ship will forever be known as the horror movie with a phenomenal opening sequence and a terrible everything else. A pre-The Good Wife Julianna Margulies leads an impressive cast (Gabriel Byrne, Isaiah Washington, Emily Browning, Desmond Harrington) in a film with impressive special effects but, as seems to be the case with many of Dark Castle’s films, a poor script. It’s hard to suspend disbelief when the characters in the film are as stupid as the characters in Ghost Ship, but if you’re looking for an entertaining B-movie, you can do far worse than Ghost Ship.

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7. Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

A lot of people really hate this movie, and I can’t say I blame them. This movie was a big part of my pre-teen years though so I have an affinity for it. Dark Castle’s second film boasts an impressive set design (that glass house!), slick makeup effects (those 13 ghosts!), and some great kills (that lawyer split!), but it’s a little too goofy for its own good and sports the frenetic editing style that would later come to define the Saw franchise. Matthew Lillard and Tony Shalhoub are competing for who can chew the most scenery and Rah Digga’s nanny character seems to belong in a different movie altogether. That being said, Thir13en Ghosts is a ton of fun, and embraces the schlock horror that defined many of William Castle’s films. The DVD has a special feature that allows you to see the backstory of each ghost. It’s pretty cool!

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A journalist for Bloody Disgusting since 2015, Trace writes film reviews and editorials, as well as co-hosts Bloody Disgusting's Horror Queers podcast, which looks at horror films through a queer lens. He has since become dedicated to amplifying queer voices in the horror community, while also injecting his own personal flair into film discourse. Trace lives in Austin, TX with his husband and their two dogs. Find him on Twitter @TracedThurman

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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