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Love Hurts: Horror’s 10 Most Brutal Romances

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Sometimes there’s nothing more horrifying than falling in love. While horror can show off the softer, sweeter aspects of relationships, like Spring, it knows how to shine an uncomfortable spotlight on the darker aspects of romance. The isolating painful emotions of unrequited love, lost love, or even the sting of a lover’s betrayal, horror plays on the worst possible fears when it comes to romance. Forget Valentine’s day horror staples like My Bloody Valentine or 2001’s Valentine; these horror movies will make you realize just how nasty and cruel love can be. This Valentine’s Day, commiserate with horror’s most spurned by love with the most brutal romances on screen:


Frank Cotton and Julia Cotton – Hellraiser

Prior to marrying Larry Cotton, Julia had an affair with his brother, Frank. Frank went off to Morocco and got into some trouble with a certain Lament Configuration and that was that. Until Larry cut himself while moving into Frank’s house, unwittingly resurrecting Frank in the process. Julia’s carnal obsession with Frank renewed, she begins bringing men back to the house and murdering them to help regenerate the skinless walking corpse in the attic to her erstwhile lover’s old self. Poor Larry doesn’t even know what hit him. Oblivious to his wife’s obsession with his undead brother, and Frank’s bloodthirsty zest for life, Larry ends up a hapless skin suit. It’s Julia, however, that comes out the biggest loser, when she realizes too late that she meant absolutely nothing to her lover Frank. It’s a comprehension that dawns upon her at the pointy end of his blade.


Chucky and Tiffany – Bride of Chucky

It’s fitting that Tiffany’s last name is Valentine, as her introduction brought something to the series that we never expected; love. It’s the very human Tiffany that retrieves the remains of the Good Guy doll from police evidence and revives him via ritual. The reunited lovers gleefully embark on another murder spree, proving the couple that slays together, stays together. But two psychopathic killers don’t fight like normal couples, and between trapping Tiffany’s soul into her own murderous doll and the mundane chores of life, namely dishes, Tiffany and Chucky battle it out in the most violent ways. Throw in a fundamental difference on how to handle an unexpected pregnancy, and the volatile relationship between Tiffany and Chucky gets downright lethal.


Lola and Brent – The Loved Ones

Lola wants nothing more than to be the Princess her dad tells her she is, and find her Prince Charming. She decides that Brent is the one and invites him to the school dance. When he rejects her offer and she sees him with another girl, well, she decides she’ll get what she wants one way or another. Enlisting her father’s help, Brent is kidnapped and brutally tortured. After sticking a syringe full of bleach in Brent’s voice box, nailing his feet down to the floor, and carving in his skin, Lola decides love is a fickle thing and perhaps Brent isn’t the ideal prince after all. The truth is that maybe no one will love her as much as daddy, and that’s most terrifying of all.


Seth Brundle and Veronica Quaife – The Fly

Really one of horror’s most tragic love stories, and one that’s also more of an intriguing triangle than pair, David Cronenberg’s body horror remake runs the gamut of emotions. The initial sparks between journalist Veronica and quirky scientist Seth gives way to a full-blown relationship. But Seth harbors some insecurity toward Veronica’s relationship with her editor Stathis Borans, a former lover who clearly still has feelings for her. It’s an insecurity that’s dramatically heightened when Seth begins his metamorphosis into the Brundle-fly; the genetic merging of human and fly. As Veronica watches in horror as her lover’s nails and teeth begin falling out, his body becomes insect-like, and he starts vomiting digestive enzymes onto his food, her fears increase to unmanageable levels with the discovery that she’s pregnant by Seth. It’s the turning point that propels this twisted love story into gross-out catastrophe.


Marie and Alex – High Tension

Best friends Alex and Marie getaway to the countryside home of Alex’s family for a weekend of studying. It’s derailed quickly when a warped serial killer shows up and viciously slaughters Alex’s family. When the killer kidnaps Alex, Marie embarks on the most admirable quest to save her friend from the clutches of the most unnerving killers to come from the mind of Alexandre Aja in his breakout hit. True to its title, High Tension is one of the most intense cat and mouse games to watch unfold, and Marie’s desperation to save her friend is only rivaled by her fervent unrequited love for her best friend. It’s only once she finally does that Aja delivers one of horror’s most polarizing twists (obvious spoiler ahead): Marie’s obsession with her best friend has split her psyche in two; the perverse killer was really Marie all along. Alex might not return Marie’s love, but that won’t stop her from loving her any less. Crowbar to the chest and all.


Yoji and Sachiko – Meatball Machine

From the special effects artist, Yoshihiro Nishimura, who handled the insane gore effects from Tokyo Gore Police and The Machine Girl, this wacky Japanese sci-fi splatter film centers around the love story between Yoji and Sachiko. Yoji is a shy factory worker with an unrequited crush on co-worker Sachiko. When he discovers Sachiko being sexually assaulted by another co-worker, his attempt to save her ends in dismal failure, but it’s the effort that counts and she ends up going home with him. But Yoji’s been hiding a strange alien insect in his apartment, and the thing merges with Sachiko, turning her into a bio-mechanical monster. When Yoji is also infected, the two would-be lovers are forced to eventually fight to the death. Over the top ridiculous gore, violence, and sensory overload, Yoji and Sachiko’s star-crossed love story feels like an acid trip for the extreme. It’s brutal.


Frank Zito and Anna D’Antoni – Maniac (2012)

Co-written by Alexandre Aja and directed by Franck Khalfoun, this surprisingly good remake gives serial killer Frank a much more sympathetic persona, painting him as a sort of tragic character created by his traumatic upbringing. Frank wants to find love, using an online dating site to meet women. He just gets nervous, panics, and winds up scalping them instead. Enter Anna, a photographer that’s charmed by the antique mannequins in his storefront. The pair embark on a warm friendship that causes Frank to want more from Anna. So earnest is his crush on Anna that he even takes his jealousy out on other victims when he first meets Anna’s boyfriend, murdering Anna’s mentor instead (granted, she did mock him). Elijah Wood does such a great job humanizing Frank, that you actually believe him when he tells Anna he doesn’t want to hurt her upon being outed as a killer. Frank’s story is one of unrequited love, an outsider destined to be perpetually alone among his bloody collection of scalps.


Henry and Becky – Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

I know, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is a chilling character study of a serial killer, not a love story. But you try telling that to Becky, the sister of Henry’s latest partner in crime. To Becky, a woman who recently fled from an abusive husband, Henry’s aloof persona and brutal honesty is attractive. She also has no idea that her brother, Otis, and Henry have been on a murder spree, sometimes even going so far as to film their exploits. For someone used to being the victim of overbearing, abusive men, Becky is charmed by Henry’s shy recoil of her seduction attempts. And when Henry saves her from Otis’ attempt to murder her, she’s completely head over heels smitten with her savior. Becky is the poster child when it comes to falling for the worst possible partners in love.


Frank and Anna – Beyond the Darkness

There’s perhaps no other romance more twisted than that of taxidermist Frank Wyler and his fiancée Anna. She dies in the hospital from a mysterious illness that, unbeknownst to Frank, is really a voodoo curse placed on her by Frank’s jealous housekeeper Iris. So beside himself with grief, Frank decides to taxidermize her to keep her with him forever. It’s gory and gross, as to be expected by director Joe D’Amato (of Video Nasty Anthropophagus fame), and only gets weirder as the story progresses. Iris takes creepy advantage of Frank’s grief, and together the pair get homicidal. There’s unsettling erotic breastfeeding, hacked up victims that are then dissolved in acid baths, and Frank even gets a little cannibalistic when victims don’t appreciate the preserved body of Anna. Sometimes losing the one you love can drive you to madness, but Frank takes it to a whole new, twisted level.


Asami Yamazaki and Shigeharu Aoyama – Audition

You’d be forgiven for watching the first half of Takashi Miike’s seminal film and forgetting that you’re watching horror at all. Miike lulls you into thinking you’re watching a quiet love story unfold between widower Shigeharu and the enchanting Asami. So deliberate in pacing, it’s easy to overlook the minor red flags that there’s something seriously amiss with his new-found love. The more he falls head over heels Asami, the more he wants to know about her past. The more he tugs at the threads of her past, the more her veneer unravels, until it builds into the most terrifying and explosive finale. Asami’s gleeful giggling as she uses piano wire to forever tether her new love to her is the stuff of nightmares. There’s nothing sweet or innocent at all about this sick tale of online dating gone horribly wrong.

Horror journalist, RT Top Critic, and Critics Choice Association member. Co-Host of the Bloody Disgusting Podcast. Has appeared on PBS series' Monstrum, served on the SXSW Midnighter shorts jury, and moderated horror panels for WonderCon and SeriesFest.

Editorials

‘Amityville Karen’ Is a Weak Update on ‘Serial Mom’ [Amityville IP]

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Amityville Karen horror

Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”

A bizarre recurring issue with the Amityville “franchise” is that the films tend to be needlessly complicated. Back in the day, the first sequels moved away from the original film’s religious-themed haunted house storyline in favor of streamlined, easily digestible concepts such as “haunted lamp” or “haunted mirror.”

As the budgets plummeted and indie filmmakers capitalized on the brand’s notoriety, it seems the wrong lessons were learned. Runtimes have ballooned past the 90-minute mark and the narratives are often saggy and unfocused.

Both issues are clearly on display in Amityville Karen (2022), a film that starts off rough, but promising, and ends with a confused whimper.

The promise is embodied by the tinge of self-awareness in Julie Anne Prescott (The Amityville Harvest)’s screenplay, namely the nods to John Waters’ classic 1994 satire, Serial Mom. In that film, Beverly Sutphin (an iconic Kathleen Turner) is a bored, white suburban woman who punished individuals who didn’t adhere to her rigid definition of social norms. What is “Karen” but a contemporary equivalent?

In director/actor Shawn C. Phillips’ film, Karen (Lauren Francesca) is perpetually outraged. In her introductory scenes, she makes derogatory comments about immigrants, calls a female neighbor a whore, and nearly runs over a family blocking her driveway. She’s a broad, albeit familiar persona; in many ways, she’s less of a character than a caricature (the living embodiment of the name/meme).

These early scenes also establish a fairly straightforward plot. Karen is a code enforcement officer with plans to shut down a local winery she has deemed disgusting. They’re preparing for a big wine tasting event, which Karen plans to ruin, but when she steals a bottle of cursed Amityville wine, it activates her murderous rage and goes on a killing spree.

Simple enough, right?

Unfortunately, Amityville Karen spins out of control almost immediately. At nearly every opportunity, Prescott’s screenplay eschews narrative cohesion and simplicity in favour of overly complicated developments and extraneous characters.

Take, for example, the wine tasting event. The film spends an entire day at the winery: first during the day as a band plays, then at a beer tasting (???) that night. Neither of these events are the much touted wine-tasting, however; that is actually a private party happening later at server Troy (James Duval)’s house.

Weirdly though, following Troy’s death, the party’s location is inexplicably moved to Karen’s house for the climax of the film, but the whole event plays like an afterthought and features a litany of characters we have never met before.

This is a recurring issue throughout Amityville Karen, which frequently introduces random characters for a scene or two. Karen is typically absent from these scenes, which makes them feel superfluous and unimportant. When the actress is on screen, the film has an anchor and a narrative drive. The scenes without her, on the other hand, feel bloated and directionless (blame editor Will Collazo Jr., who allows these moments to play out interminably).

Compounding the issue is that the majority of the actors are non-professionals and these scenes play like poorly performed improv. The result is long, dull stretches that features bad actors talking over each other, repeating the same dialogue, and generally doing nothing to advance the narrative or develop the characters.

While Karen is one-note and histrionic throughout the film, at least there’s a game willingness to Francesca’s performance. It feels appropriately campy, though as the film progresses, it becomes less and less clear if Amityville Karen is actually in on the joke.

Like Amityville Cop before it, there are legit moments of self-awareness (the Serial Mom references), but it’s never certain how much of this is intentional. Take, for example, Karen’s glaringly obvious wig: it unconvincingly fails to conceal Francesca’s dark hair in the back, but is that on purpose or is it a technical error?

Ultimately there’s very little to recommend about Amityville Karen. Despite the game performance by its lead and the gentle homages to Serial Mom’s prank call and white shoes after Labor Day jokes, the never-ending improv scenes by non-professional actors, the bloated screenplay, and the jittery direction by Phillips doom the production.

Clocking in at an insufferable 100 minutes, Amityville Karen ranks among the worst of the “franchise,” coming in just above Phillips’ other entry, Amityville Hex.

Amityville Karen

The Amityville IP Awards go to…

  • Favorite Subplot: In the afternoon event, there’s a self-proclaimed “hot boy summer” band consisting of burly, bare-chested men who play instruments that don’t make sound (for real, there’s no audio of their music). There’s also a scheming manager who is skimming money off the top, but that’s not as funny.
  • Least Favorite Subplot: For reasons that don’t make any sense, the winery is also hosting a beer tasting which means there are multiple scenes of bartender Alex (Phillips) hoping to bring in women, mistakenly conflating a pint of beer with a “flight,” and goading never before seen characters to chug. One of them describes the beer as such: “It looks like a vampire menstruating in a cup” (it’s a gold-colored IPA for the record, so…no).
  • Amityville Connection: The rationale for Karen’s killing spree is attributed to Amityville wine, whose crop was planted on cursed land. This is explained by vino groupie Annie (Jennifer Nangle) to band groupie Bianca (Lilith Stabs). It’s a lot of nonsense, but it is kind of fun when Annie claims to “taste the damnation in every sip.”
  • Neverending Story: The film ends with an exhaustive FIVE MINUTE montage of Phillips’ friends posing as reporters in front of terrible green screen discussing the “killer Karen” story. My kingdom for Amityville’s regular reporter Peter Sommers (John R. Walker) to return!
  • Best Line 1: Winery owner Dallas (Derek K. Long), describing Karen: “She’s like a walking constipation with a hemorrhoid”
  • Best Line 2: Karen, when a half-naked, bleeding woman emerges from her closet: “Is this a dream? This dream is offensive! Stop being naked!”
  • Best Line 3: Troy, upset that Karen may cancel the wine tasting at his house: “I sanded that deck for days. You don’t just sand a deck for days and then let someone shit on it!”
  • Worst Death: Karen kills a Pool Boy (Dustin Clingan) after pushing his head under water for literally 1 second, then screeches “This is for putting leaves on my plants!”
  • Least Clear Death(s): The bodies of a phone salesman and a barista are seen in Karen’s closet and bathroom, though how she killed them are completely unclear
  • Best Death: Troy is stabbed in the back of the neck with a bottle opener, which Karen proceeds to crank
  • Wannabe Lynch: After drinking the wine, Karen is confronted in her home by Barnaby (Carl Solomon) who makes her sign a crude, hand drawn blood contract and informs her that her belly is “pregnant from the juices of his grapes.” Phillips films Barnaby like a cross between the unhoused man in Mulholland Drive and the Mystery Man in Lost Highway. It’s interesting, even if the character makes absolutely no sense.
  • Single Image Summary: At one point, a random man emerges from the shower in a towel and excitedly poops himself. This sequence perfectly encapsulates the experience of watching Amityville Karen.
  • Pray for Joe: Many of these folks will be back in Amityville Shark House and Amityville Webcam, so we’re not out of the woods yet…

Next time: let’s hope Christmas comes early with 2022’s Amityville Christmas Vacation. It was the winner of Fangoria’s Best Amityville award, after all!

Amityville Karen movie

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