Movies

Uwe Boll Finally Admits He’s the Worst

Published

9 years ago

April 1, 2015

When it comes to Germany’s least accomplished director, the only thing that people hate more than his movies is Uwe Boll himself. He’s been churning out awful movies for years, yet somehow, the highlights of his career include films like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and three goddamn BloodRayne films. If you’re wondering just how in the hell BloodRayne managed to get two sequels, it has everything to do with Uwe Boll.

The most impressive thing about Boll’s career is how adamantly he’s defended it. He even invited critics who weren’t fans of his films to engage in a few rounds of fisticuffs with him. He’s obviously an intelligent guy. An idiot wouldn’t have known to hide their inability to construct coherent thoughts with the threat of imminent violence. That’s something a jackass would do, but not an idiot.

I had been wanting to sit down and chat with the director since he first started ruining good horror franchises, my only hesitation was my deep lack of respect and admiration I have for Boll’s work. Curiosity eventually got the best of me, so I went about summoning him by speaking his name five times into a dirty bathroom mirror to get some answers.

“Slater’s a big star and he’s been in the business a long time. He’s always in a good mood and easygoing but he takes his character very seriously,” Boll explained after the fissure that summoned him had finally closed, muffling the screams of countless tormented souls.

Looking into his dead eyes, I knew I’d have to draw upon my 36 years of hard-hitting, investigative journalism. I swished my hair to let him know I meant business, than I met his gaze and asked my first question.

“Sup, Boll?”

He looked at me like a child who had just been given approval to stay up an hour past their bedtime, then he added, “I think the Matrix effect is over-used and I don’t do it anymore.” He paused for a few moments after that to give me time to let that thought simmer before he continued, saying “Interview with a Vampire was lots of sex, so I’m not sure.”

I started wondering whether I should take out the Boll removal spray I had purchased because it was on sale at Walmart or wait for him to give me something useful when Boll finally broke. “Who am I kidding? I am so fucking bad at this.”

I was so distracted by his Interview with a Vampire comment and if it meant I should suggest he watch the first four seasons of True Blood — I wouldn’t wish the other three on my worst enemies, not even Uwe Boll — so it took me a few beats to register his sudden admission.

“I’m terrible at this. Unless you count Sandalen porn, I’ve never even seen a movie.” he then turned to a corner of the room where he must’ve thought I was hiding a camera to say “If you’re a fan of one of the games I’ve ruined, I’m so sorry for being such a talentless, narcissistic dickhead.”

I had my answer, so I sprayed Boll directly in the eyes, yelled “VETAI GLEI KISTARRH ME’LAH!” and watched as he melted into nothingness.

Adam Dodd

Gamer, writer, terrible dancer, longtime toast enthusiast. Legend has it Adam was born with a controller in one hand and the Kraken's left eye in the other. Legends are often wrong.

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Movies

‘The Invisible Man 2’ – Elisabeth Moss Says the Sequel Is Closer Than Ever to Happening

Published

2 hours ago

April 25, 2024

John Squires

Universal has been having a hell of a time getting their Universal Monsters brand back on a better path in the wake of the Dark Universe collapsing, with four movies thus far released in the years since The Mummy attempted to get that interconnected universe off the ground.

First was Leigh Whannell’s The Invisible Man, to date the only post-Mummy hit for the Universal Monsters, followed by The Last Voyage of the Demeter, Renfield, and now Abigail. The latter three films have attempted to bring Dracula back to the screen in fresh ways, but both Demeter and Renfield severely underperformed at the box office. And while Abigail is a far better vampire movie than those two, it’s unfortunately also struggling to turn a profit.

Where does the Universal Monsters brand go from here? The good news is that Universal and Blumhouse have once again enlisted the help of Leigh Whannell for their upcoming Wolf Man reboot, which is howling its way into theaters in January 2025. This is good news, of course, because Whannell’s Invisible Man was the best – and certainly most profitable – of the post-Dark Universe movies that Universal has been able to conjure up. The film ended its worldwide run with $144 million back in 2020, a massive win considering the $7 million budget.

Given the film was such a success, you may wondering why The Invisible Man 2 hasn’t come along in these past four years. But the wait for that sequel may be coming to an end.

Speaking with the Happy Sad Confused podcast this week, The Invisible Man star Elisabeth Moss notes that she feels “very good” about the sequel’s development at this point in time.

“Blumhouse and my production company [Love & Squalor Pictures]… we are closer than we have ever been to cracking it,” Moss updates this week. “And I feel very good about it.”

She adds, “We are very much intent on continuing that story.”

At the end of the 2020 movie, Elisabeth Moss’s heroine Cecilia Kass uses her stalker’s high-tech invisibility suit to kill him, now in possession of the technology that ruined her life.

Stay tuned for more on The Invisible Man 2 as we learn it.