Thirty years ago, brothel owner, Rachel “Madam” Won Ton (Debbie Rochon) had the night of her life with one of her most notorious customers a man known only as “E”. After a night of crazy sex and major drug use Madam Won Ton becomes pregnant and makes the decision to leave the life behind and raise her child Lily the right way. Flash forward, Lily now grown up finds herself carrying a parasitic twin that has to be removed from her stomach in the form of a fully developed fetus with homicidal tendencies. Won Ton Baby is not your typical cute bundle of joy, but instead a mutated creature of pure repulsion that highlights the indie horror comedy Won Ton Baby!, from Suzi Lorraine (Claang the Game, Holocaust, Holocaust) and first time director James Morgart.

I had been looking forward to seeing Won Ton Baby! for some time now so when it appeared in my mail box I could not wait to pop it in and give it a go. An hour and thirty some minutes later I find myself wondering what just happened almost as if I was abducted by aliens and taken far away and had my memory altered with tidbits of useless footage. But sadly that is not the case at all, the truth is I just sat through Won Ton Baby! one of the most unhumorous horror comedies I have had the displeasure of watching in a very long time.

Relaying heavy on name dropping to peak your interest with such genre favorites as Gunner Hansen, who is in the movie for a whole ten minutes or so Won Ton Baby! quickly, wears on the viewers’ last nerve as they hopelessly wait for something entertaining to happen. The first thirty minutes of the film seem to drag on for ages, twice I checked to see how far into the film I was during the opening wishing on everything mystical in the world for something anything to happen that would push the story forward. Finally Won Ton Baby made his appearance and wet get our first real glimpse at the special effects side of the film.

The special effects in Won Ton Baby! is its only strong feature, a true nod to old school eighties splatter, ultra cheesy but effective practical effects that give the flick a retro gross factor that I really enjoyed. When it comes to blood and gore Won Ton Baby delivers but that is not enough to make a movie a pleasurable experience in the end.

The comedy aspect of Won Ton Baby! in the most simplest of terms is just not funny at all, their “shocking” and “edgy” gags are to predictable and over the top to ever come off as anything short of boring and cliché. The movie spends too much time trying to take itself serious causing the so called comedic relief segments to just come off as the products of a poorly written script and an weak attempt at rekindling the eighties B grade drive-in sleaze that made the era so popular among gore hounds.

In the end Won Ton Baby! falls short of its goal of bringing you back to the days of sex filled gore fests that your parents didn’t want you to see, the sort of films you’d sneak up in the middle of the night to catch on the pay per view movie channels. If you really feel the need to take a journey back to your youth or want to see what kind of horror your parents watched when they were teenagers do yourself a favor and simply view a film authentically from the era and pass on Won Ton Baby!