Editorials
FULL 2014 HORROR MOVIE PREVIEW!!
After nearly a decade of doing studio previews for the upcoming year, I decided to mix things up and do a breakdown by month.
Below we’re previewing the major horror releases of 2014, which included quite an offering by Lionsgate. The studio has a hot horror film opening in January, February, April, August and even in November. They also have the sci-fi thriller Divergent in March.
Paramount has their usual January and October slots locked for two found-footage movies, both Paranormal Activity sequels.
The summer season actually has quite a few big budget genre releases, with The Conjuring‘s success giving studios confidence to drop two in July.
Below you’ll find all the major releases planned for 2014, subject to change. Also note that I did not include limited theatrical runs, as those are supplementary to VOD platforms, and rarely play outside of NY and Los Angeles.
What are you most excited for?
Why you should be excited:
The film is allegedly crazy awesome. In fact, it’s supposed to be better than Paranormal 3 and reinvigorate the franchise.
What it’s about:
After being “marked,” Jesse begins to be pursued by mysterious forces while his family and friends try to save him.
Why you should be excited:
It hails from Radio Silence, who directed the haunted house segment of our first V/H/S film. They are YouTube legends, and know how to deliver a punch. I’m all-in on these guys. Also, fans of “Friday Night Lights” should be excited to see Zach Gilford (Matt Saracen) in a horror film.
What it’s about:
After a mysterious, lost night on their honeymoon, a newlywed couple finds themselves dealing with an earlier-than-planned pregnancy. While recording everything for posterity, the husband begins to notice odd behavior in his wife that they initially write off to nerves, but, as the months pass, it becomes evident that the dark changes to her body and mind have a much more sinister origin.
Why you should should excited:
If you’re a fan of Underworld, it’s from the same writer and production house. Aaron Eckhart is also a phenomenal actor.
What it’s about:
Set in a dystopic present where vigilant gargoyles and ferocious demons rage in a battle for ultimate power, Victor Frankenstein’s creation Adam (Aaron Eckhart) finds himself caught in the middle as both sides race to discover the secret to his immortality.
Why you should be excited: It looks to have exploitative qualities (watch the trailer) and could have tons of sex, blood and violence. Oh yeah, and Paz De La Huerta is crazy hot.
What it’s about:
By day Abby Russell is a dedicated nurse, someone you wouldn’t hesitate to trust your life with. But by night, her real work begins…using her smoldering sexuality she lures cheating men to their brutal deaths and exposes them for who they really are. When a younger nurse starts to suspect Abby’s actions and compromises her master plan, Abby must find a way to outsmart her long enough to bring the cheater you’d least expect to justice.
Why you should be excited:
Sure, it’s a remake, but RoboCop is back! And hopefully the phrase “I’d buy that for a dollar!” is too…
What it’s about:
In RoboCop, the year is 2029 and multinational conglomerate OmniCorp is at the centre of robot technology. Their drones are winning American wars around the globe and now they want to bring this technology to the home front. Alex Murphy is a loving husband, father and good cop doing his best to stem the tide of crime and corruption in Detroit. After he is critically injured in the line of duty, OmniCorp utilizes their remarkable science of robotics to save Alex’s life. He returns to the streets of his beloved city with amazing new abilities, but with issues a regular man has never had to face before.
Why you should be excited:
The new vampire film, which actually looks pretty slick, is helmed by Mark Waters, the man behind the criminally underrated Mean Girls.
What it’s about:
Rose Hathaway is a Dhampir, half human/vampire, guardians of the Moroi, peaceful, mortal vampires living discretely within our world. Her legacy is to protect the Moroi from bloodthirsty, immortal Vampires, the Strigoi. This is her story.
Why you should be excited:
It looks like Chronicle with time travel. The film also stars Jonny Weston, who was the lead in our indie creature feature Under the Bed. Trust me when I say he’s an incredible actor.
What it’s about:
In the Dean Israelite-directed film, a group of teens embark on an adventure when they discover secret plans to build a time machine.
Why you should be excited:
It’s allegedly a darker take on the Leprechaun films, which would mean it’s a return to its roots. The first film in the franchise is actually pretty great…
What it’s about:
No one knows, but it’s produced by WWE. Is that good? Probably not.
Why you should be excited:
It takes place in Chicago. That’s the only reason I give a shit…
What it’s about:
Divergent is a thrilling adventure set in a future world where people are divided into distinct factions based on their personalities, Tris Prior (Shailene Woodley) is warned she is Divergent and will never fit into any one group. When she discovers a conspiracy to destroy all Divergents, she must find out what makes being Divergent so dangerous before it’s too late.
Why you should be excited:
An indie action film that had 100+ day shoot? Gareth Evans already blew out mind with The Raid, and hopefully you guys enjoyed his insane “Safe Haven” segment in our V/H/S/2 as much as I did, so there’s no reason to expect anything less than full-blown bananas. I’d put money on this being one of the best films of the year.
What it’s about:
Picking up right where the first film ends The Raid 2 follows Rama as he goes undercover and infiltrates the ranks of a ruthless Jakarta crime syndicate in order to protect his family and uncover the corruption in his own police force.
Why you should be excited:
Because it can’t possibly be worse than the first film. Can it?
What it’s about:
After losing his possessed girlfriend Kisha in a car crash, Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) meets and falls for Megan, a single white mother of two. As he moves into a new home with the family, Malcolm discovers bizarre paranormal events surrounding the children and the property. To complicate matters, a back-from-the-dead Kisha moves in across the street, and there’s nothing worse than the scorn of a demonic ex-girlfriend…
With spine-tingling tension and hilarious punch-lines A Haunted House 2 spoofs supernatural horror movie hits such as Paranormal Activity 4, Sinister, The Possession, Insidious, The Conjuring, and more. This time… it’s not just the house that’s haunted!
Why you should be excited:
Because Mike Pereira raved about it out of the TIFF world premiere – and it’s said to be absolutely terrifying.
What it’s about:
The story centers on a murder that left two children orphans with authorities charging the brother while his sister believed that the true culprit was a haunted antique mirror. Now completely rehabilitated and in his twenties, the brother is ready to move on but his sister is determined to prove that the haunted mirror was responsible for destroying their family.
Why you should be excited:
Hammer Films is becoming a staple in horror and making a name for themselves (again). If their direct-to-disc releases have been awesome (Wake Wood). The film also stars Jared Harris, one of “Mad Men’s” great performers.
What it’s about:
The Quiet Ones (inspired by true events) tells the story of an unorthodox professor who uses controversial methods and leads his best students off the grid to take part in a dangerous experiment: to create a poltergeist. Based on the theory that paranormal activity is caused by human negative energy, the rogue scientists perform a series of tests on a young patient, pushing her to the edge of sanity. As frightening occurrences begin to take place with shocking and gruesome consequences, the group quickly realizes they have triggered a force more terrifying than they ever could have imagined.
Why you should be excited:
Warner Bros. took a Godzilla-sized chance on a young, hungry and talented director (Monsters‘ Gareth Edwards) and let him loose on a re-imagining of the big green machine. Sources tell me that it was insanely difficult to find the “right story”, considering you can’t tell the story from the perspective of Godzilla. Expect this to be something special. Maybe even a game changer…
What it’s about:
An epic rebirth to Toho’s iconic Godzilla, this spectacular adventure pits the world’s most famous monster against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity’s scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.
Why you should be excited:
Tom Cruise is awesome, so you need to STFU. The trailer is also fantastic, really pushing the character development and the bizarre Groundhog Day-themed overall arc.
What it’s about:
The epic action of Edge of Tomorrow unfolds in a near future in which an alien race has hit the Earth in an unrelenting assault, unbeatable by any military unit in the world. Lt. Col. Bill Cage (Cruise) is an officer who has never seen a day of combat when he is unceremoniously dropped into what amounts to little more than a suicide mission. Killed within minutes, Cage now finds himself inexplicably thrown into a time loop—forcing him to live out the same brutal combat over and over, fighting and dying again…and again. But with each battle, Cage becomes able to engage the adversaries with increasing skill, alongside Special Forces warrior Rita Vrataski (Blunt). And, as Cage and Rita take the fight to the aliens, each repeated encounter gets them one step closer to defeating the enemy.
Why you should be excited:
Well, even though the first film wasn’t very good, the concept is actually crazy cool. If the filmmakers can get the audience outside of a house during a “purge”, they may actually see a non-stop action-packed bloodbath.
What it’s about:
“The Purge” is happening again, which means another 12-hour period in which any and all crime is legalized.
Why you should be excited:
Scott Derrickson is an incredible director. Not only did he helm Sinister, but he also introduced us to Jennifer Carpenter in The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Although unconfirmed, this is allegedly a monster movie with some serious surprises.
What it’s about:
The story is set in a paranormal world and follows a New York police officer investigating real life demon possessions, exorcisms and werewolves after dark. Eric Bana plays an Irish Catholic cop working a case when he meets a renegade priest. Despite the cop’s beliefs, he’s convinced by the priest that there is a demonic element and together they work to solve the case and combat the paranormal forces working against them. Edgar Ramirez plays the priest. Olivia Munn plays the cop’s wife, who also has a tie to the case.
Why you should be excited:
Rise of the Planet of the Apes was a masterful prequel about the introduction of the plague. The trailer for Dawn implies that the sequel will be a more action-packed survival film that will give us Caesar with all of his powerful. Also, it’s directed by Cloverfield and Let Me In‘s Matt Reeves.
What it’s about:
A growing nation of genetically evolved apes led by Caesar is threatened by a band of human survivors of the devastating virus unleashed a decade earlier. They reach a fragile peace, but it proves short-lived, as both sides are brought to the brink of a war that will determine who will emerge as Earth’s dominant species.
Why you should be excited:
It feels a bit “too late” for the sequel, but the first was so much bloody fun that it’s hard to imagine this will be anything less. Plus, look at this ensamble cast: Mickey Rourke, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bruce Willis, Juno Temple, Jaime King, Rosario Dawson, Michael Madsen, Jessica Alba, Jamie Chung, Dennis Haysbert, Crystal McCahill, Christopher Meloni, Josh Brolin, Jeremy Piven, Ray Liotta, Julia Garner, Eva Green, and Stacy Keach.
What it’s about:
The film is about Dwight McCarthy planning to have his vengeance against the woman who betrayed him, Ava Lord, while Nancy is trying to cope with Hartigan’s death.
Why you should be excited:
You guys probably already forgot about Kevin Greutert. I didn’t. He helmed both Saw VI and Saw 3D, and has worked on classics such as Donnie Darko.
What it’s about:
About a girl who is forced to return to her father’s home in Louisiana when a car accident leaves her without the use of her legs. What she finds there is a mystery surrounding her own birth and an angry ghost that seems determined to destroy her.
Why you should be excited:
Insidious‘ Patrick Wilson stars?
What it’s about:
In a very Hitchcockian plot, the pic follows five married friends who share a loft where each of them bring their mistresses. When the body of an unknown woman is found in the loft, they begin to suspect one another of murder.
Why you should be excited:
Hostel and Cabin Fever director Eli Roth is back with an homage to classic cannibal tales like Cannibal Holocaust!
What it’s about:
A group of student activists from New York City travel to the Amazon to protect a dying tribe, but crash in the jungle and are taken hostage by the very natives they saved.
Why you should be excited:
You shouldn’t be as I expect it to be pushed to 2015.
What it’s about:
The final installment of the trilogy Anderson began with Resident Evil: Afterlife.
Why you should be excited:
It’s about the origins of Dracula, which could be interesting with modern filmmaking techniques.
What it’s about:
Luke Evans is starring as the most famous of vampires in an origin story that sees a Transylvanian prince risk eternal damnation in order to save his wife and son from a Turkish horde. Barks will play a figure in Eastern European folk tales known as a baba yaga, a beautiful young woman who turns into a savage witch. Kristjansson will play Bright Eyes, an Eastern European taken as a slave as a young boy and now a vicious assassin in the Ottoman Army. Parkinson will play Dracula’s son, named Ingeras.
Why you should be excited:
Another animated genre film? Why not.
What it’s about:
The Boxtrolls is a comedic fable that unfolds in Cheesebridge, a posh Victorian-era town obsessed with wealth, class, and the stinkiest of fine cheeses. Beneath its charming cobblestone streets dwell the Boxtrolls, foul monsters who crawl out of the sewers at night and steal what the townspeople hold most dear: their children and their cheeses. At least, that’s the legend residents have always believed. In truth, the Boxtrolls are an underground cavern-dwelling community of quirky and lovable oddballs who wear recycled cardboard boxes the way turtles wear their shells. The Boxtrolls have raised an orphaned human boy, Eggs (Isaac Hempstead-Wright), since infancy as one of their dumpster-diving and mechanical junk-collecting own. When the Boxtrolls are targeted by villainous pest exterminator Archibald Snatcher (Ben Kingsley), who is bent on eradicating them as his ticket to Cheesebridge society, the kindhearted band of tinkerers must turn to their adopted charge and adventurous rich girl Winnie (Elle Fanning) to bridge two worlds amidst the winds of change – and cheese.
Why you should be excited:
If The Marked Ones is as good as they say, why can’t a fifth Paranormal (technically the sixth) be just as good? They need to change the structure and shake up things a bit to really knock it out of the park…
What it’s about:
Greg Plotkin directs from a screenplay by Jason Pagan and Andrew Stark. There are no plot details, but expect more witch mythology to unfold.
Why you should be excited:
Catching Fire was crazy, crazy, crazy awesome. It truly was the Empire Strikes Back of our generation, and the rebellion is sure to be even more violent than the games themselves…
What it’s about:
Against all odds, Katniss Everdeen has survived the Hunger Games twice. But now that she’s made it out of the bloody arena alive, she’s still not safe. The Capitol is angry. The Capitol wants revenge. Who do they think should pay for the unrest? Katniss. And what’s worse, President Snow has made it clear that no one else is safe either. Not Katniss’s family, not her friends, not the people of District 12.
Here’s a short list of notable indie releases that will be playing in limited theaters after a VOD release: Banshee Chapter, Dark Places, Cooties, Devil’s Knot, Human Centipede 3, The Sacrament, Almost Human, Willow Creek, The Guest, Big Bad Wolves, Dead Snow; Red vs. Dead, Killers, Life After Beth, and The Knights of Badassdom.
Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”
A bizarre recurring issue with the Amityville “franchise” is that the films tend to be needlessly complicated. Back in the day, the first sequels moved away from the original film’s religious-themed haunted house storyline in favor of streamlined, easily digestible concepts such as “haunted lamp” or “haunted mirror.”
As the budgets plummeted and indie filmmakers capitalized on the brand’s notoriety, it seems the wrong lessons were learned. Runtimes have ballooned past the 90-minute mark and the narratives are often saggy and unfocused.
Both issues are clearly on display in Amityville Karen (2022), a film that starts off rough, but promising, and ends with a confused whimper.
The promise is embodied by the tinge of self-awareness in Julie Anne Prescott (The Amityville Harvest)’s screenplay, namely the nods to John Waters’ classic 1994 satire, Serial Mom. In that film, Beverly Sutphin (an iconic Kathleen Turner) is a bored, white suburban woman who punished individuals who didn’t adhere to her rigid definition of social norms. What is “Karen” but a contemporary equivalent?
In director/actor Shawn C. Phillips’ film, Karen (Lauren Francesca) is perpetually outraged. In her introductory scenes, she makes derogatory comments about immigrants, calls a female neighbor a whore, and nearly runs over a family blocking her driveway. She’s a broad, albeit familiar persona; in many ways, she’s less of a character than a caricature (the living embodiment of the name/meme).
These early scenes also establish a fairly straightforward plot. Karen is a code enforcement officer with plans to shut down a local winery she has deemed disgusting. They’re preparing for a big wine tasting event, which Karen plans to ruin, but when she steals a bottle of cursed Amityville wine, it activates her murderous rage and goes on a killing spree.
Simple enough, right?
Unfortunately, Amityville Karen spins out of control almost immediately. At nearly every opportunity, Prescott’s screenplay eschews narrative cohesion and simplicity in favour of overly complicated developments and extraneous characters.
Take, for example, the wine tasting event. The film spends an entire day at the winery: first during the day as a band plays, then at a beer tasting (???) that night. Neither of these events are the much touted wine-tasting, however; that is actually a private party happening later at server Troy (James Duval)’s house.
Weirdly though, following Troy’s death, the party’s location is inexplicably moved to Karen’s house for the climax of the film, but the whole event plays like an afterthought and features a litany of characters we have never met before.
This is a recurring issue throughout Amityville Karen, which frequently introduces random characters for a scene or two. Karen is typically absent from these scenes, which makes them feel superfluous and unimportant. When the actress is on screen, the film has an anchor and a narrative drive. The scenes without her, on the other hand, feel bloated and directionless (blame editor Will Collazo Jr., who allows these moments to play out interminably).
Compounding the issue is that the majority of the actors are non-professionals and these scenes play like poorly performed improv. The result is long, dull stretches that features bad actors talking over each other, repeating the same dialogue, and generally doing nothing to advance the narrative or develop the characters.
While Karen is one-note and histrionic throughout the film, at least there’s a game willingness to Francesca’s performance. It feels appropriately campy, though as the film progresses, it becomes less and less clear if Amityville Karen is actually in on the joke.
Like Amityville Cop before it, there are legit moments of self-awareness (the Serial Mom references), but it’s never certain how much of this is intentional. Take, for example, Karen’s glaringly obvious wig: it unconvincingly fails to conceal Francesca’s dark hair in the back, but is that on purpose or is it a technical error?
Ultimately there’s very little to recommend about Amityville Karen. Despite the game performance by its lead and the gentle homages to Serial Mom’s prank call and white shoes after Labor Day jokes, the never-ending improv scenes by non-professional actors, the bloated screenplay, and the jittery direction by Phillips doom the production.
Clocking in at an insufferable 100 minutes, Amityville Karen ranks among the worst of the “franchise,” coming in just above Phillips’ other entry, Amityville Hex.
The Amityville IP Awards go to…
- Favorite Subplot: In the afternoon event, there’s a self-proclaimed “hot boy summer” band consisting of burly, bare-chested men who play instruments that don’t make sound (for real, there’s no audio of their music). There’s also a scheming manager who is skimming money off the top, but that’s not as funny.
- Least Favorite Subplot: For reasons that don’t make any sense, the winery is also hosting a beer tasting which means there are multiple scenes of bartender Alex (Phillips) hoping to bring in women, mistakenly conflating a pint of beer with a “flight,” and goading never before seen characters to chug. One of them describes the beer as such: “It looks like a vampire menstruating in a cup” (it’s a gold-colored IPA for the record, so…no).
- Amityville Connection: The rationale for Karen’s killing spree is attributed to Amityville wine, whose crop was planted on cursed land. This is explained by vino groupie Annie (Jennifer Nangle) to band groupie Bianca (Lilith Stabs). It’s a lot of nonsense, but it is kind of fun when Annie claims to “taste the damnation in every sip.”
- Neverending Story: The film ends with an exhaustive FIVE MINUTE montage of Phillips’ friends posing as reporters in front of terrible green screen discussing the “killer Karen” story. My kingdom for Amityville’s regular reporter Peter Sommers (John R. Walker) to return!
- Best Line 1: Winery owner Dallas (Derek K. Long), describing Karen: “She’s like a walking constipation with a hemorrhoid”
- Best Line 2: Karen, when a half-naked, bleeding woman emerges from her closet: “Is this a dream? This dream is offensive! Stop being naked!”
- Best Line 3: Troy, upset that Karen may cancel the wine tasting at his house: “I sanded that deck for days. You don’t just sand a deck for days and then let someone shit on it!”
- Worst Death: Karen kills a Pool Boy (Dustin Clingan) after pushing his head under water for literally 1 second, then screeches “This is for putting leaves on my plants!”
- Least Clear Death(s): The bodies of a phone salesman and a barista are seen in Karen’s closet and bathroom, though how she killed them are completely unclear
- Best Death: Troy is stabbed in the back of the neck with a bottle opener, which Karen proceeds to crank
- Wannabe Lynch: After drinking the wine, Karen is confronted in her home by Barnaby (Carl Solomon) who makes her sign a crude, hand drawn blood contract and informs her that her belly is “pregnant from the juices of his grapes.” Phillips films Barnaby like a cross between the unhoused man in Mulholland Drive and the Mystery Man in Lost Highway. It’s interesting, even if the character makes absolutely no sense.
- Single Image Summary: At one point, a random man emerges from the shower in a towel and excitedly poops himself. This sequence perfectly encapsulates the experience of watching Amityville Karen.
- Pray for Joe: Many of these folks will be back in Amityville Shark House and Amityville Webcam, so we’re not out of the woods yet…
Next time: let’s hope Christmas comes early with 2022’s Amityville Christmas Vacation. It was the winner of Fangoria’s Best Amityville award, after all!
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