Editorials
These 4 Horror Movies Deserved to Be on the Big Screen in 2023
Technology giveth and taketh away. We can watch most movies with the click of a button from our couch but no longer have the joy of going out to the video rental store. We can also buy and digitally “own” any movie at a moment’s notice, but more and more, physical copies of movies aren’t even being made (looking at you, Barbarian).
The movie theater has stayed the course, however. Through Covid-19 shutdowns, insane movie budgets followed by box office disasters, the rise of quality TV shows like Game of Thrones, streaming, The Flash… theaters have survived, thank God. That being said, each year, more movies conveniently grace us with their presence at home and only at home.
It’s not always a bad thing for films to skip movie theaters entirely. But I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t have been nice to have the option to see the following films in the theater in 2023.
Surrounded by loud popcorn chewers, seat kickers and all…
COBWEB
Perhaps the most baffling of all on our list is Director Samuel Bodin’s Cobweb. A movie that had an extremely limited theatrical release in July but then was released digitally for rent during the spooky season with almost no fanfare or marketing whatsoever. A film that is absolutely drenched in a gothic Halloween atmosphere that would have likely had a Friday night wide release horror crowd in the palm of its hand during the Halloween season.
The film boasted a well-known cast featuring Lizzy Caplan (Cloverfield) and Antony Starr (The Boys), complimented by a Barbarian-esque plot that was full of genre pivots and surprises. One of those films best experienced while knowing as little as possible about it. Good thing for us they didn’t market it at all, eh?!
If you’ve seen Cobweb, whether you enjoyed its wild unraveling or not, you probably agree it would have at the very least had folks talking had they known it existed. Just like original scary films like Barbarian, It Follows or Smile before it. I have no doubt in my mind that Cobweb wouldn’t only have been fun to experience with an audience in a packed theater but that it could have been a box office success just like the original horror movies previously mentioned.
NO ONE WILL SAVE YOU
We watched this (nearly) dialogue-free alien home invasion thriller at home on Hulu at the tail end of my daughter’s fourteenth birthday party. The reason I’m weirdly sharing this much information with you is because you should have seen their reaction. Full on screaming and jumping in their seats and pointing and yelling at characters and covering their eyes. It was a blast. The opening of Scream 2 was basically happening in my living room. Sans, you know, the murder part.
Aside from the talking aspect (we live in a society, after all), this was the experience that No One Will Save You should have provided the world in a wide release format. It would have been an absolute ride to see this movie with a packed Friday night audience and Dolby surround sound. From the tense home invasion scenes to the wild shit escalating outside, it would have been hilarious to watch a packed audience react in real time. Not to mention, it would have just been nice to see all this unfold on the big screen in the highest quality possible.
Here’s hoping we at least get a physical media release this year.
SICK
It feels like Sick released years ago and in fact it premiered at TIFF back in September of 2022 but only became accessible for us little people in January of 2023 on Peacock streaming. Scope and size wise, Sick fits as a straight to video movie. There’s no arguing that. Still, with the right marketing and framing in today’s horror appreciative society, I’d argue Sick could have been a box office success. It’s a stripped-down teen slasher film in 2023 written by the guy who wrote Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer for crying out loud (Kevin Williamson along with Katelyn Crabb)! This thing sells itself.
John Hyams (the son of the great Peter Hyams, who probably directed one of your favorite Jean Claude Van Damme films) directed the hell out of this small scale, remote slasher. The film uses the Covid-19 pandemic to isolate our teens from the world as a killer with an unknown motive stalks them and picks them off one by one. The film follows many of the classic Scream tropes in the best of ways. An opening kill that sets the tone, a group of friends with history, an unknown killer and ultimately their motive-revealing monologue. You could argue the pandemic angle will date the film but I find it as more of a time capsule in a good way. Besides, Scream wasn’t without its “dated” moments, either. “It’s the millennium! Motives are incidental!”
It’s been long enough for the teen slasher sub-genre that I believe a theatrical introduction updated for today’s youth would have been received with open arms rather than an eye roll.
TOTALLY KILLER
Seriously, what’s the deal with teen slashers going straight to digital? In this case, someone better ask Blumhouse. Nahnatchka Khan’s Totally Killer takes the Scream concept and mates it with Back to the Future. It’s a bold concept, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off!
This is the one film on this list that I will admit probably worked best as a direct to digital film BUT with the caveat that its bold ideas just needed more faith from its studios. The ideas and cast were big screen capable where necessary financial support just wasn’t. Kiernan Shipka is an excellent final girl who goes back in time (to the 80’s) to stop a mystery serial killer before he gets started. Much like Sick, the entire film is a charismatic and loveable throwback to the Scream days, with a Hot Tub Time Machine twist. But whereas Sick was purposefully stripped down to match the isolation of its time, Totally Killer is tasked with not only time travel but the re-creation of the 80’s. A tall task for a short budget.
The script was sharp, witty, and funny. The actors were well cast and all-in on the wacky premise. The slasher mask was creative and looked like a Beavis and Butthead version of the masks from the Point Break robberies (this is a positive). And the chase scenes were on point.
In the end all of these aspects still felt like they needed something more, if we’re being completely honest here, but Totally Killer still could’ve been a hit in theaters all the same.
Editorials
Silly, Self-Aware ‘Amityville Christmas Vacation’ Is a Welcome Change of Pace [The Amityville IP]
Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”
After a number of bloated runtimes and technically inept entries, it’s something of a relief to watch Amityville Christmas Vacation (2022). The 55-minute film doesn’t even try to hit feature length, which is a wise decision for a film with a slight, but enjoyable premise.
The amusingly self-aware comedy is written and directed by Steve Rudzinski, who also stars as protagonist Wally Griswold. The premise is simple: a newspaper article celebrating the hero cop catches the attention of B’n’B owner Samantha (Marci Leigh), who lures Wally to Amityville under the false claim that he’s won a free Christmas stay.
Naturally it turns out that the house is haunted by a vengeful ghost named Jessica D’Angelo (Aleen Isley), but instead of murdering him like the other guests, Jessica winds up falling in love with him.
Several other recent Amityville films, including Amityville Cop and Amityville in Space, have leaned into comedy, albeit to varying degrees of success. Amityville Christmas Vacation is arguably the most successful because, despite its hit/miss joke ratio, at least the film acknowledges its inherent silliness and never takes itself seriously.
In this capacity, the film is more comedy than horror (the closest comparison is probably Amityville Vibrator, which blended hard-core erotica with references to other titles in the “series”). The jokes here are enjoyably varied: Wally glibly acknowledges his racism and excessive use of force in a way that reflects the real world culture shift around criticisms of police work; the last names of the lovers, as well the title of the film, are obvious homages to the National Lampoon’s holiday film; and the narrative embodies the usual festive tropes of Hallmark and Lifetime Christmas movies.
This self-awareness buys the film a certain amount of goodwill, which is vital considering Rudzinski’s clear budgetary limitations. Jessica’s ghost make-up is pretty basic, the action is practically non-existent, and the whole film essentially takes place in a single location. These elements are forgivable, though audiences whose funny bone isn’t tickled will find the basic narrative, low stakes, and amateur acting too glaring to overlook. It must be acknowledged that in spite of its brief runtime, there’s still an undeniable feeling of padding in certain dialogue exchanges and sequences.
Despite this, there’s plenty to like about Amityville Christmas Vacation.
Rudzinski is the clear stand-out here. Wally is a goof: he’s incredibly slow on the uptake and obsessed with his cat Whiskers. The early portions of the film lean on Wally’s inherent likeability and Rudzinski shares an easy charm with co-star Isley, although her performance is a bit more one-note (Jessica is mostly confused by the idiot who has wandered into her midst).
Falling somewhere in the middle are Ben Dietels as Rick (Ben Dietels), Wally’s pathetic co-worker who has invented a family to spend the holidays with, and Zelda (Autumn Ivy), the supernatural case worker that Jessica Zooms with for advice on how to negotiate her newfound situation.
The other actors are less successful, particularly Garrett Hunter as ghost hunter Creighton Spool (Scott Lewis), as well as Samantha, the home owner. Leigh, in particular, barely makes an impression and there’s absolutely no bite in her jealous threats in the last act.
Like most comedies, audience mileage will vary depending on their tolerance for low-brow jokes. If the idea of Wally chastising and giving himself a pep talk out loud in front of Jessica isn’t funny, Amityville Christmas Vacation likely isn’t for you. As it stands, the film’s success rate is approximately 50/50: for every amusing joke, there’s another one that misses the mark.
Despite this – or perhaps because of the film’s proximity to the recent glut of terrible entries – Amityville Christmas Vacation is a welcome breath of fresh air. It’s not a great film, but it is often amusing and silly. There’s something to be said for keeping things simple and executing them reasonably well.
That’s a lesson that other indie Amityville filmmakers could stand to learn.
The Amityville IP Awards go to…
- Recurring Gag: The film mines plenty of jokes from characters saying the quiet part (out) loud, including Samantha’s delivery of “They’re always the people I hate” when Wally asks how he won a contest he didn’t enter.
- Holiday Horror: There’s a brief reference that Jessica died in an “icicle accident,” which plays like a perfect blend between a horror film and a Hallmark film.
- Best Line: After Jessica jokes about Wally’s love of all things cats to Zelda, calling him the “cat’s meow,” the case worker’s deadpan delivery of “Yeah, that sounds like an inside joke” is delightful.
- Christmas Wish: In case you were wondering, yes, Santa Claus (Joshua Antoon) does show up for the film’s final joke, though it’s arguably not great.
- Chainsaw Award: This film won Fangoria’s ‘Best Amityville’ Chainsaw award in 2023, which makes sense given how unique it is compared to many other titles released in 2022. This also means that the film is probably the best entry we’ll discuss for some time, so…yay?
- ICYMI: This editorial series was recently included in a profile in the The New York Times, another sign that the Amityville “franchise” will never truly die.
Next time: we’re hitting the holidays in the wrong order with a look at November 2022’s Amityville Thanksgiving, which hails from the same creative team as Amityville Karen <gulp>
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