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Dead Pixels: The Official Game Worldwide Debut

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TJ and I have had a top secret project in the works for some time and despite our shared inability to keep a secret for very long, we’ve somehow managed to keep this from you until it was ready. After years of research and sleepless nights fueled by bitter masturbation and energy drinks, this secret is finally ready to be unveiled now. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to the video game that’s destined to sweep the nation: Dead Pixels: The Official Game.

What is this, you ask? How could you possibly compete with blockbuster games that have massive budgets and huge teams of creative individuals working on them? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. You see, between the two of us TJ and I have a combined total of nearly a decade’s worth of video game reviews, and who better to create a fun game than the people that know what makes a game good? Nay, great. Will this be as memorable as BioShock? Yes. Will rake in more money than Call of Duty? Of course. Will it get us laid? We desperately hope it will. Head past the break for your first glimpse of Dead Pixels: The Official Game’s box art, just make sure you keep a tissue handy for when you experience your first exploding orgasm upon glimpsing this beautiful piece of art.


Click to enlarge (that’s what she said).

TJ: As you might have guessed this will be a Playstation Network and Xbox Live Arcade title. Adam with his beer bottle rocket launcher and me with my double sided dildo saber (among many more insane and totally brutal weapons) will take on horde after horde of the worst looking monsters you’ve ever seen. Worse than even the ugliest beer goggled girl you ever slept with. If you have ever been caught crying and masturbating in the shower, this is the game for you. Look out for it this fall, $9.99 on the PSN, or 800 Microsoft Record Breaker Bucks.

**Video game art by GeneTraitor**

Gamer, writer, terrible dancer, longtime toast enthusiast. Legend has it Adam was born with a controller in one hand and the Kraken's left eye in the other. Legends are often wrong.

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‘Lockbox’ Review: An Underdeveloped Supernatural Mystery with Little Inside

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lockbox trailer, lockbox review

Let’s start with the good news. Lockbox looks far better than its misleading marketing materials suggest, a supernatural horror movie so darkly lit and color graded that you’ll have to squint your way through jump scares. It’s also anchored by reliable genre performers. That’s also about where the good news ends with this rote adaptation of Knifepoint Horror Podcast story “Winthrop.”

The empathetic Carla Gugino gives her all as Ellen, a saint of a woman with boundless patience who takes on life’s hard luck with a kind smile. After giving up her career as a fashion designer to become caretaker for a dying mother, she’s then forced to reinvent herself once more when her caretaker role ends. That catches us up to the events of Lockbox, where Ellen is asked to take in a cousin she hasn’t seen in quite some time who’s dealing with severe PTSD.

Just as Ellen finally establishes a real connection with Winthrop (Lou Taylor Pucci), it’s interrupted by the arrival of peculiar neighbor Vahna (Katharine Isabelle), who spells clear trouble. When Vahna shows up dead, it sets in motion a supernatural battle of possession.

Image Credit: Aura entertainment

Director Daniel Stamm (The Last Exorcism, Prey for the Devil) and screenwriter Justin Yoffe approach Lockbox in the broadest of brushstrokes, dooming it from the start with clunky storytelling and woefully underdeveloped themes of heady topics like PTSD. Winthrop is a character that comes loaded with emotional baggage and trauma that’s piled on throughout his tragic life, but much like its title, his interiority and history are treated like a tightly guarded secret meant to prolong the supernatural mystery.

The problem here, though, is that Lockbox is too sparse to sustain mystery at all, and it instead robs Winthrop of characterization. It winds up trapping the talented Pucci without anywhere to go, toggling between wounded animal and mentally disoriented. 

From there, Lockbox bounds through plot developments without any sense of stakes or purpose, peppered by a smattering of haphazard paint-by-numbers jump scares. The only unwavering constant is Ellen’s resolute faith, and Stamm seems to leave it entirely to Gugino to guide confused audiences through this inconsequential story right up until its supernatural climax.

Image Credit: Aura entertainment

To give more credit, Lockbox at least injects an unconventional exorcism here; just don’t expect much in the way of explanation. When the film finally reveals the meaning behind its title, it dangles a fascinating carrot it has zero interest in delivering. More than a severe lack of fleshing out its characters beyond plot drivers or devices, this faith-based flick also seems terrified to offer any worldbuilding whatsoever. 

Yoffe’s script stretches the short story beyond its means instead of fleshing it out, and Stamm fills out the gaps with cheap CGI scares and overwrought performances; Isabelle’s Vahna is beyond cartoonish in her villainy. It’s also pretty nonsensical, treating only Ellen’s faith with the utmost sincerity and largely squandering its typically reliable talent. So much so that the final imagery, pure sunkissed saccharine sentimentality, leaves you with the feeling that this horror movie might be better suited as an entry in Chicken Soup for the Soul

Lockbox releases in select theaters on July 3, 2026.

2 skulls out of 5

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