Editorials
[BEST & WORST ’12] Mr. Disgusting’s List of the Worst Horror Films of 2012!
I recently has a few conversations with people about posting “Worst of the Year” lists as it’s in a way “kicking a dog when it’s down.” Time could be better spent sending positive energy into the world, but on the same token it’s our job to critique films; we are supposed to provide advice on what you should and shouldn’t see.
With that said, it doesn’t provide me with any pleasure to list out this year’s biggest disappointments – but without the bad, how can we learn from other people’s mistakes? If there’s anything to take away from these films, it’s learning what not to do in film. The biggest lesson this year? Don’t pretend to be a horror fan to cash in on our loyalty (I’m looking at you Smiley).
Posters (Best/Worst) | Trailers (Best/Worst)
10. The Devil Inside (January 6; Paramount Pictures)
The “safest” horror movie ever made, featuring a few scares and a bunch if exposition. And while I’ve seen worse movies in my life, the lack of a third act is unforgivable. Who’s idea was it to end the movie with a website link for the finale? Epic fail. A fail for the ages.
9. Aftershock (TBD; Dimension Films)
Eli Roth is easily one of my favorite horror filmmakers, which is why this production was one of my most anticipated at TIFF. Unfortunately, this docu-styled thriller’s tone is unfocused and confusing. I was trying to figure out if is was supposed to be fun, scary, or was it supposed to be mean-spirited in an attempt to convey a message? At one point you’ll see an incredibly awesome gory kill, then there will be a joke or a joke-like death scene, and then rape. It’s impossible to emotionally get behind a movie that’s all over the place. It’s just so bizarre when you have hilarious moments trickled in-between extreme, realistic violence as if to make light of a serious situation. On a positive note, the scope was pretty huge for an indie production, and some of the actual earthquake scenes are great… when the movie finally gets to them.
8. No One Lives (TBD; Anchor Bay Films)
No One Lives, a WWE production, is mean-spirited horror that sets the genre back nearly a decade. It’s an obvious Hostel wannabe bloated with bad characters and acting. Take solice in the fact that the gore is out of control good. If only the filmmakers didn’t take the movie so seriously, it could have been cheesy fun.
7. The Apparition (August 24; Warner Bros. Pictures)
A haunter bogged down with heavy exposition, lack of rules, and a lackluster performance from Sebastian Stan. It’s unfocused and overdeveloped with the fingerprints of studio execs all over it.
6. Lords of Salem (April 26, 2013; Anchor Bay Films)
All the power to Rob Zombie for making the movie HE wants, but there are people out there who rely on him for entertainment. Rob Zombie’s “Sheri Moon” (as I like to call it), also known as The Lords of Salem, is a colorful and crafty spooker that is nothing but a strange shrine to his wife, Sheri. Horror fans will be disappointed and Rob Zombie fans should be too, assuming they don’t fool themselves into believing this is high art. It’s actually self-indulgent art.
5. The Bay (November 2; Freestyle Releasing)
I’m crazy perplexed by the love for The Bay, a film that’s so lackluster even the studio bailed on it (Lionsgate dumped is through Freestyle Releasing). The Found-Footage angle doesn’t really work in this one, mostly because the characters are constantly talking to the camera updating the viewer, while some footage isn’t even seen, just heard (like the cop car scene outside the house). Isopods aren’t scary, and the ending is so laughable that it immediately erases anything you may have found believable. I was so bored watching this that I started to wish I were at work instead. That’s insane.
4. Paranormal Activity 4 (October 19; Paramount Pictures)
I’m a Paranormal Activity sympathizer, meaning it takes a lot to disappoint me. PA 4 is the first in the franchise to do a face plant, tripping on the curb and losing all of its teeth. There’s zero bite, as none of the scares are elevated (unless you take this as a pun), and the mythology seemingly goes backwards. It’s as if I were watching a PA fan film, which is crazy considering how good directors Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman did on PA 3.
3. House at the End of the Street (September 21; Universal Pictures)
To call House at the End of the Street original it would have had to have been released in 1959, one year before Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho hit theaters. This means that the ideas presented are roughly 50 years too late, leaving audiences in a near coma only to be revived by the various shots of Jennifer Lawrence’s T&A. While its not bad-bad, it’s just so poorly conceived that it should have premiered on Lifetime.
2. Berberian Sound Studio (TBD; IFC Films)
I hated this movie with every fiber if my being. It’s pretentious filmmaking that’s loaded with arrogance. While the movie looks stunning, there’s absolutely no substance. It takes forever to get to the point, and when we get to the point, there’s literally nothing there. If anything, I wanted to see what was on the screen, not in the studio.
1. Smiley (October 12; Fever Production)
A jumbled mess of ideas, a plot riddled with holes, and an ending that will leave you frowning, Smiley is an abomination. Made solely to sell to a massive fan base, Smiley proves that no matter how popular you are, people still want to see GOOD movies. Every single facet of Smiley is bad, and the obvious result of poor decision making (from the setting to the cast, plot and gore level). It’s a horror movie made by people who obviously aren’t huge fans of the genre.
Dishonorable Mentions:
Everything bad about Found Footage can be seen in 388 Arletta Avenue, a movie produced by Splice and Cube director Vincenzo. The execution delivers an unbearably bland and generic thriller that’s also visually uninteresting. ParaNorman is a farce that so many people fell for. It’s a horror made for horror fans by people who apparently haven’t seen in a single horror movie in their lives. It’s bland and generic, with a horrible twist. Seemingly nothing is at stake, except for maybe your free time. If anything, the movie looks good, but who cares if there’s no substance to the art? (Commence Bloody Disgusting reader rage!) As for Lionsgate’s The Possession, first and foremost, there’s no such thing as the Devil or demons in the Jewish religion, which make the entire plot a farce. I’m also incredibly aware of the actual dibbuk box story, and followed it almost live on blogs and on eBay. The true stories are 100x more terrifying than anything on screen. I’ve said this about a million times before but loud isn’t scary, and the fact that the family live in an empty house makes everything feel fantastical. It’s not the worst movie ever, but it’s pretty weak sauce.
No conversation about cartoons based on live-action movies is ever complete without mentioning The Real Ghostbusters.
This animated continuation is, warts and all, a notable example of turning a hit movie into a hit series. And although the new target demographic skewed a little younger, even kids-at-heart could partake in the further adventures of Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz, Winston Zeddemore and Egon Spengler.
For a good part of its run, the show required fans to wait at least a week for more Ghostbustin’. That’s torture for a kiddo. Luckily, though, the entire series, or at least most of it, is now available for streaming.
So, as you revisit The Real Ghostbusters on Tubi—for now it’s just the first five seasons there—use this guide to help prioritize some must-see episodes.
The Boogieman Cometh
“The Boogieman Cometh” (Season 1)
Season One’s “The Boogieman Cometh” is a classic episode featuring one of the show’s more iconic villains. It’s hard to forget the unique character design used for the Boogieman (whose creepy voice was provided by Ray and Slimer’s actor, Frank Welker). In this story, Egon is reunited with that bump-in-the-night entity who haunted his own childhood, all while trying to keep him away from his latest targets: the brother and sister claiming to have the Boogieman in their closet. Although the Ghostbusters do save the day here, the Boogieman eventually returns (“The Bogeyman Is Back“). That same episode also features the love-’em-or-hate-’em Junior Ghostbusters.
Mr. Sandman, Dream Me a Dream
“Mr. Sandman, Dream Me a Dream” (Season 1)
You could say the namesake of “Mr. Sandman, Dream Me a Dream” had good intentions for putting mankind to sleep for the next few centuries—he wanted to end war and keep everyone dreaming. Sounds nice until you remember that whole free will business. But when it seems like the Ghostbusters have lost to their latest foe, the last one standing, Winston, gains a sudden ally. Janine’s dream of becoming a Ghostbuster is manifested, and she helps put this rogue spirit to bed.
When Halloween Was Forever
“When Halloween Was Forever” (Season 1)
Before the show’s execs capitalized on Slimer’s popularity by making him the focus of later episodes, early stories like “When Halloween Was Forever” better utilized that gooey ghost. Here, the spirit of Halloween itself, Samhain, hopes to make the holiday a permanent thing by stopping time. And who does the embodiment of All Hallows’ Eve use in his nefarious plot? Slimer, of course. Thankfully, the lil’ green bud knows where he really belongs, and Samhain is banished (at least until Season 3’s “Halloween II 1/2“).
Night Game
“Night Game” (Season 2)
Because Season Two was rather long, in comparison to other seasons, it accumulated quite a few solid episodes. One of the most beloved, though, is that ultimate good-versus-evil story, “Night Game“. Winston gets to shine here as he participates in a battle that was 500 years in the making. Except this time, the fighting is done on the baseball field. The other-dimensional settings in The Real Ghostbusters are always great, but the one here is particularly memorable.
Drool, the Dog-Faced Goblin
“Drool, the Dog-Faced Goblin” (Season 2)
Not all ghosts and whatnot were bad in The Real Ghostbusters. As “Drool, the Dog-Faced Goblin” showed, some were actually benevolent. Sadly, it took a lot of convincing, and one very heroic act, for Peter and the others to see past this goblin’s grotesque appearance. The heroes find more than one shapeshifter at a sideshow carnival in the Poconos; a sinister Class-4er called the Metamorph does a swell job of menacing the Ghostbusters before they finally realize Drool’s not their culprit. The good guys indeed win here, but that victory is a bittersweet one.
The Collect Call of Cathulhu
“The Collect Call of Cathulhu” (Season 2)
While “The Collect Call of Cathulhu” does misspell “Cthulhu” in the title (probably to avoid legal issues), it is clearly the Old One in this Lovecraft-inspired episode. The story kicks off with the Necronomicon being stolen by the deity’s modern-day cult, who then raise their ancient god at Coney Island. From there, the Ghostbusters’ typical methods don’t work on the big guy, so they seek advice from an old issue of Weird Tales (or “Wierd Tales”, as it’s spelled on screen). That build-up to the finale comes with a decent amount of dread before the Ghostbusters, as well as a scholar named Alice, face off with one of the show’s most powerful entities.
Knock, Knock
“Knock, Knock” (Season 2)
A number of Real Ghostbusters episodes could be reworked into big-screen features, but perhaps “Knock, Knock” is the most hopeful. It helps that this story feels in step with the first two movies. Here, some ignorant construction workers accidentally uncover and open an ancient door in the subway. What’s behind said door is none other than those unspeakable evils that only the Ghostbusters can quell. A good deal of the imagery here is prime for adaptation.
The Grundel
“The Grundel” (Season 3)
One of the darker episodes, which was written by the prominent J. Michael Straczynski, is “The Grundel“. Here, a boy is being influenced by the titular entity, a type of ghost who ultimately turns his targets into new Grundels. The episode does have something of an after-school special quality to it, but that doesn’t take away from the eerier moments. For more Grundel lore, be sure to check out the episode “Grundelesque” from the sequel series, Extreme Ghostbusters.
Standing Room Only
“Standing Room Only” (Season 4)
It’s no secret that The Real Ghostbusters experienced multiple changes after the second season. Out of all of them, though, retooling the show so that Slimer would get more of the spotlight is maybe the most egregious. Thankfully, Season Four (the first to be called Slimer! and the Real Ghostbusters) didn’t completely obey that new directive; episodes like “Standing Room Only” felt more like the old days. The focus here was on the well-being of the city and its people, rather than on the series’ green mascot (or the Junior Ghostbusters). In the episode, Peter’s new ghost attractor isn’t to blame for the ensuing chaos; the ghost-eating Mee-Krah is what’s really imperiling everyone. And the Ghostbusters must dish out everything they have to avoid a doomsday situation.
The Halloween Door
“The Halloween Door” (Season 5)
While many fans will skip the later seasons in their rewatches, episodes like “The Halloween Door” are still worth checking out. This colorful helping of Halloween pandemonium premiered on primetime, so the animation is better than usual. And save for a random musical moment, it’s an enjoyable event. Here, a group of anti-Halloweeners tries to cancel the holiday, but they only end up making things worse by unleashing a baddie named Boogaloo.
The first five seasons of The Real Ghostbusters are available on Tubi, starting on July 15.
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