2012 has been a snoozer of a year for horror for the most part. I can’t think of another year that I’ve been with the site when I’ve been more indifferent, bored, disappointed, and otherwise unamused by most of what I watched. Not like it should come as a huge shock to anyone that went to the theatre this year, but most of what I’ve included on my Worst Of list are studio films that feel like they were distributed and made by people who just don’t care. Marketing and brand loyalty made some of these movies money, not the actual quality of what was on screen – talk about depressing.
This year, one film stands above all others as the worst thing I had the displeasure of sitting through, regardless of genre, and everything else on my list might as well be second place; they’re all equally shallow and uninspired. As always, here’s to looking forward to next year, which will no doubt have a surprise or two, along with Stoker, Antiviral (hopefully), and You’re Next.
5. Chernobyl Diaries (May 25; Warner Bros.)
Behold Chernobyl Diaries, a film of bad decisions. It takes what seems like forever for the characters to get to the town, they make nothing but bad decisions, and everyone spends most of the movie running away from wildlife.
4. Smiley (October 12; Level 10 Films)
The people who wrote Smiley must think they’re clever, commenting on message board culture, online anonymity, and hackers, and having their plot revolve around Chat Roulette users typing “I did it for the Lulz” into their message boxes. Except it’s apparent they don’t understand what any of these groups are really about or what those issues mean; it’s almost like someone sifted through their outdated meme collection and wrote the script.
3. Morituris (TBD; TBD)
Mr. D gave Morituris a score of “Negative 100 million out of 5 Skulls” when he saw it, so I felt compelled to see what all the fuss was about. It’s pretty reprehensible, a film made to shock you and do little else. There’s barely a plot, which consists of a group of “bad boys” who drive two foreign girls into the woods for a rave, only to rape them after driving for like forty minutes and stopping for a soccer break; there are some undead gladiators that pop up too. The whole thing is extremely mean spirited, and the special effects by Sergio Stivaletti are disappointing – I’m a big fan and his work here is really uninspired. There’s a scene early on that sets the tone for Morituris in a really bad way and if you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. It’s so obvious the filmmakers are trying to get a rise out of their audience, but it comes out of nowhere and is totally pointless. I think whatever the writers and director wanted to comment on is completely lost in the sensationalism they created.
2. The Devil Inside (January 6; Paramount Insurge)
I think someone forgot to make a third act…
1. Piranha 3DD (June 1; Dimension Films)
Piranha 3DD is a sequel nobody asked for. None of the jokes work, the special effects are terrible looking, and the movie is barely a movie – it struggles to reach the seventy minute mark and not well, I might add. All of the actors look miserable, even the ones that just cameo, and watching them try to mask their moods and demeanors is more fascinating than the film itself. There is absolutely nothing in Piranha 3DD that hits its mark.
Horrible Mention: Paranormal Activity 4 (October 19; Paramount)
I think at this point it’s obvious that as long as these get Paramount into the black, nobody cares.
Horrible Mention: The Raven (April 27; Relativity Media)
If Amanda made traps using Jigsaw’s blueprints and then had him solve them, you would have The Raven.
Horrible Mention: The Apparition (August 24; Warner Bros.)
Easily the worst Costco advertisement of all time. The whole thing doesn’t make any sense. What’s with the mold? Why does the ending look like it takes place post-zombie apocalypse? Why did they spend all that time introducing the neighbors, only to have them completely disappear halfway through the movie? The Apparition plays out like huge chunks of it are missing, but I’m not convinced it would’ve been any better without the poor editing. At least Ashley Greene is cute, right?