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[BEST & WORST ’12] Lonmonster’s List Of The Worst Films Of 2012

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I’ve been following Bloody-Disgusting since way before I started writing for them. Being a critic has opened so many doors for me, providing the awesome opportunity to discover a world of horror that I didn’t even know existed. Unfortunately, some of that world is not so pretty.

Like any year, 2012 was host to some real stinkers. As a personal rule, I avoid trash-talking other people in the industry. I don’t like spitting venom at people I don’t know, especially young filmmakers who are still learning the tricks of the trade. But hey, I’m an emotional guy, and sometimes movies get the better of me. The films listed below don’t find themselves here simply because they’re bad, but because they genuinely made me angry.

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Evan Dickson (Best/Worst) | David Harley (Best/Worst) | Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Corey Mitchell (Best of Fest) | Supporting Staff (Best & Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best Novels)
Posters (Best/Worst) | Trailers (Best/Worst)

Lonmonster’s List Of The Worst Films Of 2012

5. ATM (March 2; IFC Films)

I don’t really want to put this one on my list because I know some of you are hounds for bad horror and will inevitably watch this after seeing it listed. Nobody should watch this movie.

4. Seven Below (April 7; Arc Entertainment)

Seven Below isn’t a complex film, but it wants to be. It has a capable cast of actors, including Val Kilmer, but no star can help a plot that makes zero sense. There is no explanation for anything that happens. People pull photographs out of nowhere, there’s a ghost, a Mexican, another ghost, a glory hole behind a bed, and something to do with reincarnation. Or, are they hallucinating? Seven Below is like a game of Clue being played by 6-year-olds who don’t give a shit about rules, but just put pieces on the board and make up a story.

3. Hidden In The Woods (Fantasia 2012)

Murder, drugs, rape, rape, and more rape. A deformed cannibalistic brother, prostitution, starvation, more rape. This a shamefully misogynistic film that treats rape as a queue for thrills rather than a serious subject. Hidden in the Woods is offensive to good taste, and it should stay hidden.

2. The Human Race (Fantasia 2012)

“Poopie baby pooped his pants” is an actual line of dialogue from the The Human Race, and it accurately sums up how I felt after the screening. This film is an atrocity. The script is demented, skipping from scene to unrelated scene in an attempt to impress genre fans with its utter disregard for humanity. The Human Race tries to be “inclusive” with its willful prejudice against every type of person imaginable. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s morally reprehensible, racist, and sexist.

1. The Devil Inside (January 6; Paramount Insurge)

The Devil Inside is not a finished movie, but somehow that didn’t stop it from getting a wide release. It’s a half-flushed out story that ends abruptly, asking you to visit the website for more information. I don’t know about you, but when I pay to see a movie, I spend my hard earned money with the hopes of being entertained by a finished product. I was not entertained. I’ve never been angrier after leaving a theater.

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Editorials

Tales from ‘Tales from the Crypt’: Exhuming Season Six’s “Only Skin Deep” Episode

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tales from the crypt only skin deep
Sherrie Rose as Molly and Peter Onorati as Carl in "Only Skin Deep".

The penultimate season of Tales from the Crypt (1989–1996) aired its first three episodes on October 31, so it’s understandable that at least one of those three stories is set on Halloween.

Sandwiched between “Let the Punishment Fit the Crime” (Russell Mulcahy, Ron Finley) and “Whirlpool” (Mick Garris, A. L. Katz & Gilbert Adler) is the most severe episode of the bunch. Maybe the entire series? William Malone and Dick Beebe’s “Only Skin Deep” traded the show’s typical sense of fun for startling amounts of bleakness and kink.

“Only Skin Deep” is, apart from the Crypt Keeper’s intro and outro, noticeably unfunny. There are no considerable attempts at making the viewer laugh. Come to think of it, if those bookends had been replaced, and there was more of a sci-fi element in the story, HBO could have easily squeezed this tale into that successor anthology, Perversions of Science (1997). In Crypt, though, “Only Skin Deep” is much too grim for an audience that had become accustomed to campiness and levity.

What makes “Only Skin Deep” feel dark, among other things, is its protagonist. Showing up to a Halloween party where he’s not welcome, and where his former girlfriend (Diane DiLasco) is attending, Carl Schlag (Peter Onorati) first comes across as your standard bitter ex. You soon realize it’s much worse than that, once Carl threatens Linda (“You know, silly me, thinking I gave you what you deserved. If I’d have done that, I’d have killed you”). Now, I haven’t forgotten that Tales from the Crypt was teeming with vile men who did women harm. Yet Carl’s brand of misogynistic menace hits differently—it borders on being too realistic for this kind of series.

tales from the crypt

Mike Vosburg’s EC-style comic cover for “Only Skin Deep”, as seen in the Tales from the Crypt episode.

Despite donning a party mask for much of the episode, Carl can’t ever mask his true nature. The invitation did saycome as you are, after all. That inability to change and be better, however, is why Carl ends up in such a karmic predicament. His outburst of anger at the party attracts the attention of one loner partygoer named Molly (Sherrie Rose, who was also in Season Four’sOn a Deadman’s Chest). Her bone-white, featurelessmaskand body-bag costume don’t initially register as too strange, especially on a night like this. But at a party chock-full of colorful, cartoonish, and lighthearted ensembles, it does look out of place.

Darkness attracts darkness as Carl ditches the party and accompanies the mysterious Molly to her place. Which, by the way, should have been an immediate red flag. But perhaps she’s so hot, he doesn’t seem to mind the serial killer aesthetic. Resembling a warehouse that has been converted into living spaces, but never then decorated to remove the cold, industrial look, Molly’s home (or lair) is as gloomy as this whole episode feels. It’s like the set of a grungy music video, albeit a tad cleaner. The environments in a typical Crypt episode tend to be small, overfilled, and broken-in. Warm, regardless of any weird goings-on. All that empty space in Molly’s hovel, on the other hand, elicits a creepy feeling that Carl was unwise to ignore.

Tales from the Crypt featured more sex than it didn’t, but hands down,Only Skin Deepboasts the steamiest scene in the show’s history. Pushing it over the line, in addition to Onorati showing bare buns and the camera never turning down one of his pelvic thrusts, is the twisted dirty talk. Carl stays in the moment, whereas Molly unleashes charged lines likethe hurt, the anger, give it to meandtake it out on my flesh like you want to. It’s all quite kinky, as well as tied into the story’s theme of pain.

How elseOnly Skin Deepdiffers from other episodes is its twists. Or rather, its lack thereof. Nothing comes as a great surprise here, particularly because the deuteragonist’s ulterior motives are so obvious. By no means is Molly a wolf in sheep’s clothing; her face is a fright mask, she practically reeks of death, and she lives in what can best be described as a serial killer’s hideout. That last-act revelation of Molly’s mask really being her face is also nothing shocking. Cleverness is certainly not this episode’s strength.

tales from the crypt

A page from “…Only Skin Deep!”, as seen in EC Comics’ Tales from the Crypt.

WhileOnly Skin Deepisn’t the most universally loved episode of Tales from the Crypt, it’s an interesting preview of William Malone’s future as a director. Most notably, he went on to helm House on Haunted Hill (1999) and FeardotCom (2002), the former of which was co-written by Dick Beebe, this episode’s writer. Dark Castle Entertainment, that genre house founded by Crypt producers Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis, and Gilbert Adler, was instrumental in bringing out Malone’s gruesome, over-the-top vision in House on Haunted Hill. However, FeardotCom and Malone’s Masters of Horror episode,Fair-Haired Child, are the most stylistically compatible withOnly Skin Deep.

As one might guess, this episode is nothing like its source material. TheOnly Skin Deep!found in the pages of EC Comics is set during Mardi Gras in New Orleans, and save for its last couple of pages, is pretty sweet in nature. There, a man named Herbert is enamored with a woman he met five years prior to the present-day story. Every year, he has come down to Mardi Gras to see Suzanne, who’s always dressed as a hag-faced witch. Well, this time, Herbert plans on popping the question and marrying someone who is, for the most part, a total stranger. Suzanne accepts his proposal, but with one condition: they stay in costume until they’re officially hitched. You can probably see where this is going

Once they are married, Suzanne remains incognito, even when she and Herbert have consummated their vows. A semi-predictive nightmare then rattles Herbert; he dreamt that Suzanne’s real face was as wizened as her mask. Finally, in his haste to find out the truth, Herbert winds up killing his new wife. Faceless and well on her way to bleeding out, the dying Suzanne manages to say she never wore a mask.

For more traditional EC-style ghastliness, your best bet is reading the comic. It’s wickedly sad. For something less conventional, as far as Tales from the Crypt goes, the role-reversing adaptation is worth watching. It’s not the best this show had to offer, although Malone’s visual style, plus the sexual abandon, does set the episode apart. If nothing else,Only Skin Deepleaves an impression that, even years later, shows no signs of fading.

Season Six of Tales from the Crypt can be streamed on Shudder, starting on June 5.


Tales from Tales from the Crypt celebrates the show’s Shudder premiere by singling out one episode from each season. So don’t even think about changing that dial, boys and ghouls. More spot-“frights” are to come.

tales from the crypt

Carl discovers Molly’s collection of human ‘masks’ in the Tales from the Crypt episode, “Only Skin Deep”.

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