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[BEST & WORST ’12] Evan Dickson’s List Of The Worst Horror Movies Of 2012!

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Writing for a genre site is funny sometimes. Since we keep things more or less related to horror around here, we wind up examining almost every movie that comes out that could be potentially associated with that genre. This means that I end up watching a lot of movies that are so bad many people are just flat-out unaware of their existence. So when I look around to sites that cover every genre – and therefore have a more mainstream cross-section from which to pull their “best” and “worst” lists – I’m always surprised at what stuff is worthy of the “worst” designation. I think to myself, “this guy named ‘Snow White And The Huntsman’ one of the year’s worst movies. That’s as bad as it got for him.” While I’m sure that film is terrible, I’d bet a major organ that it’s far better than Snow White: A Deadly Summer.

Speaking of, 2012 was a year filled to the brim with lazy, cynical horror movies made by people with no love for the genre – people who see horror as a cheap way to make a buck off a dedicated fanbase. This is a list of those movies (and a few that had their hearts in the right place but got mangled along the way) in no particular order.

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Evan Dickson (Best/Worst) | David Harley (Best/Worst) | Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Corey Mitchell (Best of Fest) | Supporting Staff (Best & Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best Novels)
Posters (Best/Worst) | Trailers (Best/Worst)

EVAN DICKSON’S BOTTOM 7 OF 2012

Greystone Park (October 16th; XLrator Media)

Sean Stone managed to craft the most boring horror film of the year with this unbelievably out of touch yarn about people ghost hunting in an abandoned asylum. It’s as if he and the film’s screenwriter ______ came up with this story around the time The Blair Witch Project was released and didn’t bother to develop the idea at all in between then and shooting it. It’s the cinematic equivalent of trying to trade someone a Disc Man for their iPad. To make matters worse, Greytsone Park is unbelievably self satisfied for something so lazy.

Gone (February 24; Summit)

Some near-meltdown moments from my 0/10 review: “ Watching ‘Gone’ is like watching the world’s dumbest person play the world’s worst RPG side mission…’Gone’ is perhaps the worst film I have seen theatrically. At least in the past 10 years. I’m literally trying to find a precedent for a film I’ve enjoyed less and I can’t find one… [It] has talent and resources at its disposal – it just chooses to be lazy. It chooses to be boring and bad. With so much in its corner you would think it could provide at least one single entertaining moment, but it willfully declines. And that is unforgivable. It chooses to take your money without the effort or intent of living up to its end of the bargain.

The Devil Inside (January 6; Paramount Insurge)

I was far too kind in my initial 5/10 review. The first two acts of this film are a standard and trite misuse of the found-footage conceit with laughable lines about the rigors of “Exorcism school.” But what about the third act? Actually, the film doesn’t have one. Just as things finally get going they cut to a title card bearing a URL. How insulting is that? Movies cost a lot of money these days, The Devil Inside takes it out of your pocket and spits in your face.

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (October 23; Fox Home Entertainment)

Some near-meltdown moments from my 1/10 review (I only gave it the “1” so folks would actually notice that it had been reviewed when they looked at the skull ranking): “It’s ugly, mean-spirited, stupid and seems to truly hate women… it managed to be the one of the most truly unpleasant viewing experiences of my life… I think part of the key here is the utter disdain the film has for its audience. This movie doesn’t care if you like it or not. It’s not meant to be enjoyed, it’s meant to be bought… Even worse, the film ends on the implication that Roxanne McKee’s character is going to be raped repeatedly by Maynard and the cannibals. This is designed to be a punchy ending… [except] four people raping a girl whose eyes have been gouged out is never funny!

The Apparition (August 24; Warner Bros.)

I’ll commend The Apparition for its ambition. It really does want to be something new and different, but it never figures out quite how to pull it off. Its aggressively suburban setting confuses banality for relatability and jump scares for actual, you know, scares.

Paranormal Activity 4 (October 19; Paramount)

What a disappointment. After PA3 took the series to a place that was actually engaging and fun I was sure that returning directors Ariel Joost and Henry Shuman could at least match, if not top, themselves in this effort. I was wrong. Paranormal Activity 4 is so bad I literally couldn’t believe my eyes as it was happening. Why, after three films in the franchise and countless others outside it, do they feel the need to try to reintroduce us to the very conceit of found footage? And that’s just the opening five minutes! By the film’s end we’re supposed to be scared by the sight of Katie Featherston running around breaking people’s necks. There is not one single, solitary second of this film that in any way lives up to its predecessor.

Snow White: A Deadly Summer (March 20; Lionsgate)

Some near-meltdown moments from my 1/10 review: “ It’s the kind of movie where there’s not one single human moment onscreen. Where twists that should be revelatory are rendered inert by the anti-story. Where a major character’s death is explained via flat, emotion-less exposition by the only character in the film that would actually have any emotion regarding it. Where lazy writing, shooting and editorial decisions expect to be tolerated and rewarded… Disappointing fans of quality and competency alike, there is literally not one person I could recommend this to with a straight face.

Editorials

Finding Faith and Violence in ‘The Book of Eli’ 14 Years Later

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Having grown up in a religious family, Christian movie night was something that happened a lot more often than I care to admit. However, back when I was a teenager, my parents showed up one night with an unusually cool-looking DVD of a movie that had been recommended to them by a church leader. Curious to see what new kind of evangelical propaganda my parents had rented this time, I proceeded to watch the film with them expecting a heavy-handed snoozefest.

To my surprise, I was a few minutes in when Denzel Washington proceeded to dismember a band of cannibal raiders when I realized that this was in fact a real movie. My mom was horrified by the flick’s extreme violence and dark subject matter, but I instantly became a fan of the Hughes Brothers’ faith-based 2010 thriller, The Book of Eli. And with the film’s atomic apocalypse having apparently taken place in 2024, I think this is the perfect time to dive into why this grim parable might also be entertaining for horror fans.

Originally penned by gaming journalist and The Walking Dead: The Game co-writer Gary Whitta, the spec script for The Book of Eli was already making waves back in 2007 when it appeared on the coveted Blacklist. It wasn’t long before Columbia and Warner Bros. snatched up the rights to the project, hiring From Hell directors Albert and Allen Hughes while also garnering attention from industry heavyweights like Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman.

After a series of revisions by Anthony Peckham meant to make the story more consumer-friendly, the picture was finally released in January of 2010, with the finished film following Denzel as a mysterious wanderer making his way across a post-apocalyptic America while protecting a sacred book. Along the way, he encounters a run-down settlement controlled by Bill Carnegie (Gary Oldman), a man desperate to get his hands on Eli’s book so he can motivate his underlings to expand his empire. Unwilling to let this power fall into the wrong hands, Eli embarks on a dangerous journey that will test the limits of his faith.


SO WHY IS IT WORTH WATCHING?

Judging by the film’s box-office success, mainstream audiences appear to have enjoyed the Hughes’ bleak vision of a future where everything went wrong, but critics were left divided by the flick’s trope-heavy narrative and unapologetic religious elements. And while I’ll be the first to admit that The Book of Eli isn’t particularly subtle or original, I appreciate the film’s earnest execution of familiar ideas.

For starters, I’d like to address the religious elephant in the room, as I understand the hesitation that some folks (myself included) might have about watching something that sounds like Christian propaganda. Faith does indeed play a huge part in the narrative here, but I’d argue that the film is more about the power of stories than a specific religion. The entire point of Oldman’s character is that he needs a unifying narrative that he can take advantage of in order to manipulate others, while Eli ultimately chooses to deliver his gift to a community of scholars. In fact, the movie even makes a point of placing the Bible in between equally culturally important books like the Torah and Quran, which I think is pretty poignant for a flick inspired by exploitation cinema.

Sure, the film has its fair share of logical inconsistencies (ranging from the extent of Eli’s Daredevil superpowers to his impossibly small Braille Bible), but I think the film more than makes up for these nitpicks with a genuine passion for classic post-apocalyptic cinema. Several critics accused the film of being a knockoff of superior productions, but I’d argue that both Whitta and the Hughes knowingly crafted a loving pastiche of genre influences like Mad Max and A Boy and His Dog.

Lastly, it’s no surprise that the cast here absolutely kicks ass. Denzel plays the title role of a stoic badass perfectly (going so far as to train with Bruce Lee’s protégée in order to perform his own stunts) while Oldman effortlessly assumes a surprisingly subdued yet incredibly intimidating persona. Even Mila Kunis is remarkably charming here, though I wish the script had taken the time to develop these secondary characters a little further. And hey, did I mention that Tom Waits is in this?


AND WHAT MAKES IT HORROR ADJACENT?

Denzel’s very first interaction with another human being in this movie results in a gory fight scene culminating in a face-off against a masked brute wielding a chainsaw (which he presumably uses to butcher travelers before eating them), so I think it’s safe to say that this dog-eat-dog vision of America will likely appeal to horror fans.

From diseased cannibals to hyper-violent motorcycle gangs roaming the wasteland, there’s plenty of disturbing R-rated material here – which is even more impressive when you remember that this story revolves around the bible. And while there are a few too many references to sexual assault for my taste, even if it does make sense in-universe, the flick does a great job of immersing you in this post-nuclear nightmare.

The excessively depressing color palette and obvious green screen effects may take some viewers out of the experience, but the beat-up and lived-in sets and costume design do their best to bring this dead world to life – which might just be the scariest part of the experience.

Ultimately, I believe your enjoyment of The Book of Eli will largely depend on how willing you are to overlook some ham-fisted biblical references in order to enjoy some brutal post-apocalyptic shenanigans. And while I can’t really blame folks who’d rather not deal with that, I think it would be a shame to miss out on a genuinely engaging thrill-ride because of one minor detail.

With that in mind, I’m incredibly curious to see what Whitta and the Hughes Brothers have planned for the upcoming prequel series starring John Boyega


There’s no understating the importance of a balanced media diet, and since bloody and disgusting entertainment isn’t exclusive to the horror genre, we’ve come up with Horror Adjacent – a recurring column where we recommend non-horror movies that horror fans might enjoy.

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