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[BEST & WORST ’13] Adam’s List Of The Worst Horror Games Of 2013!

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Yesterday, we took a look at the best horror games 2013 had to offer. That was the fun part. The easy part. The year that was brought us a bevy of fantastic games, and sadly, it also introduced a handful that were memorable for all the wrong reasons. After the break you’ll find my list of some of the worst games I had the misfortune of playing in 2013. Enjoy.

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Indie) | Evan Dickson (Best) | The Wolfman (Festival Favorites) | Patrick Cooper (Best)
Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best Novels) | Adam Dodd (Best/Worst)
Best Posters | Best Performances | Best Trailers | Best Albums

ADAM’S LEAST FAVORITE HORROR GAMES OF 2013
Aliens: Colonial Marines

Aliens: Colonial Marines was The War Z of 2013. I didn’t dislike it as deeply as the majority of the world seemed to, that is, until the real controversy stirred up post-release. A majority of it stemmed from the quality of the demo and retail versions of the game, with the former being of a significantly higher quality than what we had to pay for. Then there were allegations that Gearbox was unwilling to devote the resources and talent to the project by allocating their ‘B team’ to work on it while their real talent focused on other projects, like Borderlands 2. Unfortunately, the shitstorm came to a close when one of the (many) studios behind it — Houston based developer TimeGate — had to close its doors.

I hope Colonial Marines doesn’t completely kill the Aliens games, but there’s no denying that debacle has had a substantial impact on the series.

Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut

Speaking of hot messes, next up we have Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut. It was supposed to be the ultimate bundle for a ridiculous(ly awesome) cult hit that gave us all of its DLC as well as bonus content, including new scenarios and HD support. What we got was a game that was riddled with game breaking bugs that rendered it literally unplayable for far too long. This forced some talented fans to come up with a patch of their own that remedied some of the more serious issues. That’s embarrassing.

Sniper Elite: Nazi Zombie Army 2

The first Nazi Zombie Army was a nonsensical and borderline unforgivably unpolished game that introduced zombies into the solid Sniper Elite franchise because hey, zombies are popular. I enjoyed it quite a bit. It was messy, sure, but it’s also a damn fun (and cheap) game to share with a few friends.

It’s follow-up was something I was looking forward to since its unveiling, if only to have something “scary” to play with my friends. Once I finally had it, it took me about an hour to realize that there is nothing new about it. The issues I had with the first are still there, proudly on display because its developer had no intention of spending any more than the minimal amount of effort that would be required to churn out a sequel. The enemies, characters and weapons are back, as are the wonky AI and clunky shooting. If you played the first, skip this. There’s nothing (new) to see here.

The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct

It’s almost as if Terminal Reality saw my review of Infestation: Survival Stories (formerly known as The War Z), where I dubbed it the “worst zombie game ever made” and decided to take that up as a challenge. If their goal was to make an incoherent mess of a zombie survival game that made no attempt to hide the fact that it was a shitty, desperate attempt to make money off the insanely popular Walking Dead name, then they did a fine job. If their intentions were anything but, they failed. Miserably.

In no reality is this worth seeing, touching, playing or even acknowledging.

Nether

Of the games on this list, Nether is the one I’ve spent the least amount of time with. A couple hours, tops. In most cases, this wouldn’t be nearly enough time to formulate a real opinion on a game, but a few hours in and I just couldn’t bare to play it any longer. To remedy this, I watched a friend of mine play it who had already spent an unhealthy amount of time with it. Apparently, they’re more willing to endure video game punishment than I am. The problem is obvious: Nether isn’t fun. It isn’t broken in the traditional sense, but it is broken in that it fails to do the one thing video games need to do, and that’s to provide entertainment.

Nether has at least one intriguing idea at its core in that it strives to be a moderately ambitious survival horror MMO, but unless they renovate it from the ground up, I don’t see this catching on with a large enough audience to sustain it.

How to Survive

Can someone please tell me why it’s so difficult to make a decent top down isometric zombie game? Housemarque did a fantastic job with Dead Nation, yet outside of that there’s little the subgenre has to be proud of. Burn Zombie Burn came close, then there’s a slew of abysmal attempts, like Konami’s Zombie Apocalypse, which somehow got a sequel, and this. How to Survive doesn’t even come close to being the worst game on this list, but with all the similarly themed games that came before it I found it far more difficult to forgive its more serious flaws than I would had it released back in 2009-10.

So that’s my list. I showed you mine, now you need to show me yours. Come on, don’t be shy.


Gamer, writer, terrible dancer, longtime toast enthusiast. Legend has it Adam was born with a controller in one hand and the Kraken's left eye in the other. Legends are often wrong.

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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