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[BEST & WORST ’13] Jonny’s Top Albums Of 2013

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It’s the end of 2013 and there have been a slew of amazing albums released this year! And because of this, it was no easy task to create a “Best Of” list. To quote Lonmonster, “Narrowing down a best-of-the-year list is a trite exercise, as is ordering them in some sort of countdown…” I found that I was simply unable to narrow my list down to 10 albums as there were too many that kept vying for a spot. Also, in a move that might scream “lazy” to some, I didn’t rank my choices. The reason for this is that my list is just too diverse. I can’t really rank an electronic album against a metal album, can I?

So, I guess the next step is simply to give you all the chance to read my choices and then let me know which albums stood out for you! Head on down and let the music flow!

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Indie) | Evan Dickson (Best) | The Wolfman (Festival Favorites) | Patrick Cooper (Best)
Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best Novels)
Best Posters | Best Performances | Best Trailers | Best Albums

JONNY’S TOP ALBUMS OF 2013

NOTE: LIST IS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER

BLACK SABBATH – 13

The return of the kings of heavy metal was an incredibly surprising success. 13 is an album that is full of memorable chunky riffs and Ozzy’s iconic wails and croons. The band proved their relevance in a modern metal world.

BOARDS OF CANADA – TOMORROW’S HARVEST

Arriving eight years after the band’s last release, Tomorrow’s Harvest is a beautiful, eerie album that gives fans of the group everything they wanted and more. A sinister undercurrent runs throughout, causing a sense of unease that is absolutely delicious.

BONOBO – THE NORTH BORDERS

The North Borders is one of those intelligent, subtle electronic albums that made me stop and appreciate every note I was hearing. I’m not one to dance but I definitely shimmied around my place without a drop of embarrassment during many of these fantastic songs.

BRING ME THE HORIZON – SEMPITERNAL

Richly textured and sonically diverse, Sempiternal was a huge step forward for Bring Me The Horizon, demonstrating great maturation. On top of having some damn solid songwriting, the album is just incredibly entertaining.

DESSA – PARTS OF SPEECH

Rapper/poet Dessa takes subjects that we all deal with, such as heartbreak and loss, and addresses them with lyrics that will haunt you for days. Each song speaks on a deeply personal level.

GARY NUMAN – SPLINTER (SONGS FROM A BROKEN MIND)

While many people were sorely disappointed by Nine Inch NailsHesitation Marks, they were too busy moaning and complaining to recognize that the album they were so desperately seeking was available for them to enjoy. Splinter is an aggressive yet beautiful industrial/electronic opus littered with infectious songs.

HEAVEN’S BASEMENT – FILTHY EMPIRE

If you miss the days of balls to the wall rock ‘n’ roll, then look no further. The debut album from these UK rockers has not a single filler track. Each song comes in, rocks your face right off, and then leaves without overstaying their welcome for even a single second. Easily one of the most fun albums I’ve had the pleasure of hearing this year.

IHSAHN – DAS SEELENBRECHEN

His fifth solo studio album, Das Seelenbrechen is also Ihsahn‘s most diverse and wildly inventive album. It’s a triumph of an album and well worth every second of your time.

KARNIVOOL – ASYMMETRY

The Australian progressive rockers took four years to release their third studio album and it’s obvious that this amount of time was spent carefully considering the next step the band would take. The path from Themata to Sound Awake continues as Asymmetry dives more into the world of “progressive” and complex. It’s a gorgeous, dynamic album.

KATATONIA – DETHRONED AND UNCROWNED

Dead End Kings was already one of the best albums of 2012, so how could the band improve upon it? Well, the can’t. However, they can approach it from a new perspective and breathe a different kind of life into. That’s precisely what they did with Dethroned And Uncrowned, stripping the original album of its “heaviness” and instead focusing on the ethereal beauty that resides throughout.

LAZERHAWK – SKULL AND SHARK

When Mr. Disgusting shot me a link to check out this album I wasn’t exactly convinced. Sure, the album artwork was badass but as the saying goes, “Never judge a book by its cover.” Then I hit ‘Play’. What came next was perhaps the greatest listening experience I’d had in a while. I was in a world of pure 80’s inspired horror synth that fully embraced its cheesiness. This album is a must for any horror fan.

LEPROUS – COAL

Bilateral tied for my Album Of The Year in 2011, so I was beyond excited to hear the band’s follow up. While it lost the playfulness of its predecessor, Coal had a sense of maturity and seriousness that gave it a different air, a sense of gravity. The band still demonstrates their impeccable songwriting skills, even if they don’t seem to smile as much doing so.

MONSTER MAGNET – LAST PATROL

The spaced out stoner rock/metal band returned with an album that is a pure testament to “rock”. Packed full of awesome tones and fantastic riffs, Last Patrol is also an album that knows when to take its time, each song building up to a climax that hits with full force.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE – M B V

The return of Irish shoegaze creators My Bloody Valentine was one of the musical highlights of the year, shocking and thrilling many. After all, it had only been 12 years since their last studio album. That time didn’t dull the shine of the band in any way. Rather, M B V proved that the band’s attention to crafting and creating beautiful, intricate music had never left.

NORMA JEAN – WRONGDOERS

Wrongdoers grips the listener by the throat and demands full attention. Each song is bursting with emotion and desperate need, the heaviness of the music a metaphor for how much of an impact each song should have. In my opinion, Norma Jean is one of the most important bands in music today.

RUSSIAN CIRCLES – MEMORIAL

This nearly entirely instrumental album is for those who can find beauty in the icy realms and landscapes of black metal. It’s a thrilling album that brought many smiles to my face.

TESSERACT – ALTERED STATE

Tesseract once again proved with Altered State that they are not only masters of the progressive metal scene but that they are here to redefine it. They are showing that metal can be full of beauty, amazing vocals, and intricate, complex songwriting that challenges listeners. It’s going to be thrilling to see what they come up with next.


Editorials

Silly, Self-Aware ‘Amityville Christmas Vacation’ Is a Welcome Change of Pace [The Amityville IP]

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Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.” 

After a number of bloated runtimes and technically inept entries, it’s something of a relief to watch Amityville Christmas Vacation (2022). The 55-minute film doesn’t even try to hit feature length, which is a wise decision for a film with a slight, but enjoyable premise.

The amusingly self-aware comedy is written and directed by Steve Rudzinski, who also stars as protagonist Wally Griswold. The premise is simple: a newspaper article celebrating the hero cop catches the attention of B’n’B owner Samantha (Marci Leigh), who lures Wally to Amityville under the false claim that he’s won a free Christmas stay.

Naturally it turns out that the house is haunted by a vengeful ghost named Jessica D’Angelo (Aleen Isley), but instead of murdering him like the other guests, Jessica winds up falling in love with him.

Several other recent Amityville films, including Amityville Cop and Amityville in Space, have leaned into comedy, albeit to varying degrees of success. Amityville Christmas Vacation is arguably the most successful because, despite its hit/miss joke ratio, at least the film acknowledges its inherent silliness and never takes itself seriously.

In this capacity, the film is more comedy than horror (the closest comparison is probably Amityville Vibrator, which blended hard-core erotica with references to other titles in the “series”). The jokes here are enjoyably varied: Wally glibly acknowledges his racism and excessive use of force in a way that reflects the real world culture shift around criticisms of police work; the last names of the lovers, as well the title of the film, are obvious homages to the National Lampoon’s holiday film; and the narrative embodies the usual festive tropes of Hallmark and Lifetime Christmas movies.

This self-awareness buys the film a certain amount of goodwill, which is vital considering Rudzinski’s clear budgetary limitations. Jessica’s ghost make-up is pretty basic, the action is practically non-existent, and the whole film essentially takes place in a single location. These elements are forgivable, though audiences whose funny bone isn’t tickled will find the basic narrative, low stakes, and amateur acting too glaring to overlook. It must be acknowledged that in spite of its brief runtime, there’s still an undeniable feeling of padding in certain dialogue exchanges and sequences.

Despite this, there’s plenty to like about Amityville Christmas Vacation.

Rudzinski is the clear stand-out here. Wally is a goof: he’s incredibly slow on the uptake and obsessed with his cat Whiskers. The early portions of the film lean on Wally’s inherent likeability and Rudzinski shares an easy charm with co-star Isley, although her performance is a bit more one-note (Jessica is mostly confused by the idiot who has wandered into her midst).

Falling somewhere in the middle are Ben Dietels as Rick (Ben Dietels), Wally’s pathetic co-worker who has invented a family to spend the holidays with, and Zelda (Autumn Ivy), the supernatural case worker that Jessica Zooms with for advice on how to negotiate her newfound situation.

The other actors are less successful, particularly Garrett Hunter as ghost hunter Creighton Spool (Scott Lewis), as well as Samantha, the home owner. Leigh, in particular, barely makes an impression and there’s absolutely no bite in her jealous threats in the last act.

Like most comedies, audience mileage will vary depending on their tolerance for low-brow jokes. If the idea of Wally chastising and giving himself a pep talk out loud in front of Jessica isn’t funny, Amityville Christmas Vacation likely isn’t for you. As it stands, the film’s success rate is approximately 50/50: for every amusing joke, there’s another one that misses the mark.

Despite this – or perhaps because of the film’s proximity to the recent glut of terrible entries – Amityville Christmas Vacation is a welcome breath of fresh air. It’s not a great film, but it is often amusing and silly. There’s something to be said for keeping things simple and executing them reasonably well.

That’s a lesson that other indie Amityville filmmakers could stand to learn.

2.5 out of 5 skulls

The Amityville IP Awards go to…

  • Recurring Gag: The film mines plenty of jokes from characters saying the quiet part (out) loud, including Samantha’s delivery of “They’re always the people I hate” when Wally asks how he won a contest he didn’t enter.
  • Holiday Horror: There’s a brief reference that Jessica died in an “icicle accident,” which plays like a perfect blend between a horror film and a Hallmark film.
  • Best Line: After Jessica jokes about Wally’s love of all things cats to Zelda, calling him the “cat’s meow,” the case worker’s deadpan delivery of “Yeah, that sounds like an inside joke” is delightful.
  • Christmas Wish: In case you were wondering, yes, Santa Claus (Joshua Antoon) does show up for the film’s final joke, though it’s arguably not great.
  • Chainsaw Award: This film won Fangoria’s ‘Best Amityville’ Chainsaw award in 2023, which makes sense given how unique it is compared to many other titles released in 2022. This also means that the film is probably the best entry we’ll discuss for some time, so…yay?
  • ICYMI: This editorial series was recently included in a profile in the The New York Times, another sign that the Amityville “franchise” will never truly die.

Next time: we’re hitting the holidays in the wrong order with a look at November 2022’s Amityville Thanksgiving, which hails from the same creative team as Amityville Karen <gulp>

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